Driven by a Storm
by TdeAlba
Summary: The prologue and sequel to It Should be Raining. Simultaneously tells the stories of the dissolution of John and Natalie's marriage and his struggles to raise their teenage daughter after her death. Tissue warning.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:**I own nothing but the car I live in. And it's not worth suing me for.

**Author's Note:** This is one half sequel, one half prologue to my first ever Jolie fic, "It Should be Raining" which you can find archived on this site. I've toyed with the idea of writing this since I wrote the original and started typing it up somewhere around September of last year. Reading the original is not a prerequisite to reading this, in fact, in someways it'll make more sense if you do it backwards.

Because I took so long to get it written it doesn't completely mesh with show continuity after the time I started writing it. I tried to incorporate events as they happened, but there were only so many rewrites I could do. Truth be told I'm a bit scared of this story as it contains our beloved duo doing some stupid things. And if you've read the original you know how the prologue part ends. You might want to have some tissues ready. Tho' I honestly think the original was more of a tearjerker than this.

Also, the disclaimer's a joke. I don't really live in my car.

**Dedication:** I have to thank everyone for their responses to "IsbR"—without it not only would this have never been written but I probably wouldn't have kept writing Jolie ff at all. I have to especially thank EternallyEC because if she hadn't been constantly prodding me I don't know if I'd have ever gotten this written. Thanks to her and PCGirl and Sam (and anyone I'm leaving out. Sorry!) for reading the rough draft and giving feedback. I have to give special thanks to Cru and winterangel06 for line editing this whole freaking thing. Besos!

* * *

_"Gaze no more in the bitter glass  
The demons, with their subtle guile,  
Lift up before us when they pass,  
Or only gaze a little while;  
For there a fatal image grows  
With broken boughs and blackened leaves,  
Roots half hidden under snows,  
Driven by a storm that ever grieves."  
From "The Two Trees" William Butler Yeats_

"Hello." John wondered whether the irritation in Rex's voice was standard or an indication that he'd recognized his number on the caller ID.

"Balsom, it's John McBain. Sorry to call so late, but I need to know if you've heard anything from Kayla today. Or the last couple days?"

"Um… yeah," came the tentative response, "she's asleep on my couch right now."

Relief washed over him; later he'd think to question why Rex hadn't called him when she arrived, but for now it was enough to know that she was safe. "Thank God! Listen, don't wake her up. Don't let her go anywhere. I'm on my way."

"Uh… to do what exactly?"

What kind of question was that? "To bring her home."

"No, you're not," Rex said as though he were stupid for even suggesting.

"Excuse me?" he said grabbing his keys to leave even as he continued talking. "I'm her father; I'll decide-"

"When to piss her off so bad that she hitchhikes halfway from Philly to Llanview before she finally calls me from a truck stop to come pick her up?"

John tried not to think of all the things he knew happened to young girls hitchhiking. Or the kind of men who hung around truck stops. Kayla was safe; that was all that mattered.

"Look," Rex continued, "you want to come down here, fine. But your daughter's not exactly in the best place right now. You come storming in with that 'I'm your father, you'll do as I say' crap and she's just gonna run again. And we might not be so lucky this time."

"So what are you telling me to do?" he asked. He knew that as much as Rex might hate him, he loved his niece a lot more. And these days seemed much better able to communicate with her.

"Come on over," Rex said suddenly adopting the tone of a television announcer, "Just promise me that you'll talk to her and listen to her and treat her like a rational human being for a change."

"Okay," he promised opening the door, "just don't let her leave."

As he pushed the speed limit on the interstate a few minutes later he prayed silently. "Kayla, please still be there. Please wait for me." A sudden feeling of déjà vu overcame him and it hit him. He'd murmured the same prayer along this same stretch of road four years earlier.

_Michael called as he was leaving work. It was a Tuesday. "John," he said gravely, "you need to get back here."_

"_She's worse?" he asked, trying not to let the panic show in his voice._

"_She doesn't have much time left."_

"_We're coming for the weekend… you don't think that's soon enough?"_

"_John," he said firmly, "If you want Kayla to have the chance to say good-bye to her mother, you need to get her here as soon as possible."_

_And so a few hours later he was speeding down the same interstate with Kayla dozing in the backseat, begging Natalie not to leave before they got to her._

* * *

Rex greeted him at the door to his apartment with a key in his hand. "What's this?" John asked. 

"Your room at the Angel Square Hotel," Rex said.

"_I heard Jessica showed up here… I'm sorry," she said sinking down in the chair on the opposite side of his desk._

"_Don't be," he said._

"_I also heard that Roxy refused to rent you a room. I talked to her; it shouldn't be a problem now. Or if you'd prefer The Palace, obviously I'll comp you a room," she continued. Her voice was hoarse and softer than usual and she wouldn't look him in the eyes._

"_Is that what it's come to?" he mused, "Comping rooms for each other?"_

"_You can always come home," she said looking up. _

"_How's Kayla?" he asked, changing the subject._

"_How do you think she is?" Natalie asked, "She wants to know where her Daddy is and why he won't come home."_

"_What did you tell her?"_

_She bit her lip, unsuccessfully fighting back tears, "I told her it was a grown up thing and that you still loved her very much. How can I answer her questions when I don't understand the answers to them myself?"_

"Kayla's asleep right now," Rex continued, "come back in the morning."

"I don't think so," John said attempting to walk past him.

"I do," Rex said blocking him, "because you need time to cool off just as much as she does."

"Rex-" he began wearily pressing a hand to his forehead.

Rex's expression softened slightly. "Look I promise I'll make sure she doesn't go anywhere or do anything stupid, but trust me on this. As someone who knows what it's like to be a mixed up kid-"

"Fine," John said snatching the key. There was truth and logic to what Rex was telling him, but he wanted to make it clear how much this irritated him. He was about to leave when the door behind Rex opened wider and Kayla blinked drowsily at him.

"Kayla-" he started to say before she gained full consciousness and turned an accusing glare to Rex.

"What is _he_ doing here?" she demanded, "Did you call him?"

"No," Rex groaned.

"Then how-?"

"I called him," John interjected. "I was worried sick. Do you have any idea how dangerous that stunt you pulled was? Taking off without letting anyone know where you were going? Hitchhiking? What were you thinking?"

"I don't know," she said folding her arms across her chest, "I guess I wasn't. You can't be surprised, I mean you don't think I'm capable of thinking for myself anyway-"

"I never said-"

"Okay, okay," Rex said holding up his arms and physically inserting himself between the two of them. "It is way too late for me to have to deal with this and besides you're going to wake up the neighbors. We'll talk about this in the morning."

"I don't want to talk to him," Kayla said sullenly.

"Well then go back inside while _I_ walk him out," Rex said. Casting her father one final glare she turned on her heel and disappeared into the apartment. When she was gone Rex turned to John. "Seriously, you've gotta cool it."

John shook his head in frustration. "She-"

"She's headstrong and stubborn," he filled in, "Gee, wonder where she gets that from."

_He could hear shouting even before he got to the door. "Kayla!" Natalie's voice echoed, "This is not open for discussion. Now, get your stuff together before your father gets here."_

_He knocked. She answered the door looking worn and aggravated. He fought the urge to ask about her health. Instead he settled on, "What's going on?"_

_She growled. "You're daughter is the most head strong, stubborn…"_

"_Hmm," he said with a smile, "Where do you suppose she gets that from?"_

"_Don't start," she said putting her hands on her hips, "she gets it from your side as much as mine."_

_At that moment eight-year-old Kayla marched down the stairs wearing a pair of dress up heels and a blazer which appeared to have been borrowed from her mother's closet. She had a stack of papers in one hand. "Have a seat," she said coldly to her father, "this is going to take a while."_

_When he was safely settled on the couch she handed him the papers. "What's this?" he asked._

"_I've decided to renegotiate the terms of the custody agreement," she explained. She had typed it up and tried to make it sound as official as possible. It would have been more convincing if the spelling had been accurate. _

"_Look on the bright side," Natalie said grimly, "she already has a promising future as a lawyer."_

_John scoffed. "No daughter of mine."_

"_All right, Dad," Kayla said turning to him, "I don't want to hurt your feelings. You know I love spending time with you and everything."_

"_But-?" he asked._

"_But it's boring at your place," she groaned. "I don't know anyone and there's nothing to do and it's seriously damaging my social life. It feels like being grounded, and you don't want me associating your house with punishment, do you?"_

"_Point of order," Natalie said raising her hand, "your father actually lives in an apartment, not a house."_

_Kayla let out an exaggerated groan, "Irrelevant."_

"_If you say so," Natalie said quickly._

"_So you're saying you don't want to spend weekends at my place anymore?" John asked trying not to let it show how hurt he was._

"_Not exactly," she said with a sly smile he'd seen out of her mother one too many times._

"_What _are_ you saying then?" he asked._

"_I think you should move to Llanview," she said, "that way, I can stay with you on the weekends, but I can still see my friends."_

_He was surprised by her suggestion and even more surprised at how tempting it was. Before he could say anything thing though Natalie spoke up again._

"_Okay Miss Legal Prodigy," Natalie said turning back to Kayla, "why don't you go upstairs and take off Mommy's clothes while we look over these papers you've drawn up."_

"_So you'll think about it," Kayla asked hopefully._

"_Kayla Aileen," she said in a warning tone pointing to the stairs. Kayla groaned in frustration as she slunk her way up the stairs. As soon as she was out of earshot Natalie turned to John and said, "Don't even think about it."_

"_How did you know I was thinking about it?" he asked defensively._

"_I know you," she said with a smile as she walked into the kitchen. He stood to follow her._

"_Is the thought of having me back in town that bad?" he asked. They still hadn't really talked about the 'incident' following Kayla's birthday party about a month ago. If anything was going to happen between them if would be much easier if they lived in the same town, but maybe they weren't ready for a step that big._

"_What's bad is letting an eight-year-old think she can run her parents' lives," she explained._

"_I guess I wasn't looking at it that way," he said, "So what do we do?" _

_Natalie sighed. "We knew this would get harder as she got older."_

"_Every other weekend?" he suggested._

"_I hate to ask you to give up your time," she said._

_He shrugged, "Well I can always come visit on my weekends off. If I wouldn't be imposing."_

_She smiled shyly. "No. You wouldn't." Just as he thought they might address whatever had been happening between them she broke eye contact and said, "She might be a while so if you want anything to drink or anything help yourself."_

_As he moved to the refrigerator he noticed an appointment card from Natalie's oncologist with an appointment listed for the coming Tuesday. "Everything okay?" he asked motioning towards it. _

"_Yeah," she said, "just a check up."_

"_I thought your check-up was two weeks ago?" he said._

_She hesitated for a moment as if she were formulating a response then she sighed and said, "It was. They didn't like some of the test results. Nothing major they just want to run a few more tests. Make sure everything's okay."_

_He looked at her, trying not to let it show how much that news scared him. "Let me know when you find out anything."_

"And if you keep pushing her she's gonna push back," Rex finished.

"So what am I supposed to do?" John asked.

"Go get some sleep," Rex said, "I'll talk to her and give you a call tomorrow morning. Let you know where to meet us and when."

John knew from experience that arguing with Rex or Kayla wasn't going to do any good, so he stormed out of the apartment building.

* * *

He didn't go right to the hotel; he was too keyed up to sleep. He made his way to the cemetery. It was a little late to be there; if he'd caught Kayla there at that hour he'd have lectured her on how unsafe it was. But he always liked to come there alone, and at that time of night he could be reasonably certain no one else would be there. 

One Halloween—damn that was a long time ago—he'd found Natalie here, scared, confused, blood streaming down her face. But she wasn't here anymore. The black granite marker sure…

_Natalie rolled her eyes as her brother left the room. "Rex is just mad at me because I told him I thought I should be cremated." _

_Unbidden the image jumped into his mind. Years ago, Natalie dressed in some grotesque cheerleader's outfit, bound to a basketball pole with flames licking at her skin. Fighting the urge to retch he rubbed his eyes as though that would remove the image. _

"_I take it you don't like the idea either," she said giving him a sideways look._

"_Not especially," he said._

"_I'm not letting them put me in the Lord family mausoleum," she said. "Place creeps me out and if I'm there inevitably someone's gonna insist on dragging Kayla there and-"_

"_Do we have to talk about this now?" he said as appalled by her casual manner as by the subject matter._

"_Well we can't very well talk about it _after_ I die."_

Once he could have sworn he caught a glimpse of her here—at her mother's burial. Everyone said Viki's heart had been broken by Natalie's death and less than six months later it had finally given out. The family had gathered together for the second time that year in this cemetery; in the end Viki chose to be buried with her daughter rather than her father. During the prayer he'd looked up and seen a flash of red hair just behind the rest of the group and knew it was her. He'd seen Natalie on this very spot. But she'd never come back here after that. This wasn't the kind of place where she'd stay forever.

He knelt down and ran his fingers over the words etched on the stone; even in the chill night air it still retained some of the warmth of the day. As if some small part of Natalie's fire lingered in her tombstone. The grave was well tended—it always was. Jessica had hired a service to come out weekly and make sure it was clean and that there were always fresh flowers, but there was a second floral arrangement that wasn't sedate and elegant enough to have come from the Buchanans. Was it Rex? Roxy? He wondered how many people in this town still loved her enough to bring her flowers.

"I'm sorry Natalie," he said staring hard at the letters that were painfully visible in the moonlight. "I tried. I tried so hard but I still let her down somehow. I let you down again. Least it's par for the course, I guess." He shut his eyes, unable to look at the marble and flowers anymore. "God, I need you," he said as a lump began forming in his throat, "I need you to tell me what to do. How do I get through to her?"

He stopped talking and listened as though he could honestly hope for an answer. But there was nothing more than the sound of crickets and a faint rustle of wind in the leaves.

Part of him had always worried that with time he would forget the sound of her voice, the gleam of her eyes, the smell of her hair. And part of him wished he could drive it all from his memory. Because he couldn't remember the smile on her face at their wedding without also seeing her body crumple to the ground that day in the hospital. The disgust on Michael's face as he scowled at him over Natalie's sobbing figure. And the sound of her pleading, shouting his name as he walked away drowned out every giggle, every soft word ever spoken between them.

After a long moment he stood and left. What had he expected anyway? Even if Natalie could talk to him, would she have anything to say to him? Truth be told she was probably no more willing to speak to him than Kayla.

As he drove to the hotel and made his way up to his room he wondered when Kayla had really stopped talking to him. When had she stopped telling him how she felt about things, what was really going on in her life and started telling him just what she wanted him to know? When had that little girl he'd sat down at tea parties with become such a stranger?

* * *

He collapsed on the bed and realized for the first time that he hadn't packed anything. When he'd hung up with Rex he had no intention of staying overnight, he'd thought only of how much he needed to see with his own eyes that Kayla was okay. Shopping would have to wait till morning, he didn't think he could summon the energy even to run to the drugstore across the street to buy a razor and some soap. 

Staring up at the ceiling he realized suddenly that this was the same room they'd lived in all those years ago when they were first together. He wondered if Rex had arranged that on purpose and if so was out of an urge to make him feel better or worse? The walls had been repainted and the mattress was new, but the memories were strong. Her presence was strong. He could still see her standing there with that ironic grin on her face.

"Well you sure managed to make a mess of things," she said flopping down on the bed next to him.

"You're not making me feel better about this," he groaned.

"Sorry," she said sounding as though she wasn't, "but I'm not really here to make you feel better."

"You're not really here," he pointed out.

She shrugged. "Touché." They lay there in silence for a moment before she spoke again, "You went to the cemetery."

"Yeah," he said.

"Why?" she asked.

She knew why, why did she have to ask? "I was looking for you."

"Funny," she said with a hint of a laugh, "there was a time when you were always the person who knew where to find me. Not anymore apparently."

"Sounds like you _were_ there," he said bitterly, "you saw."

"I see pretty much everything these days," she said with the sort of tone you'd use on a young child. "I saw that you went by my grave, but you didn't go by his. You never do. Why?"

"No clue what to say to him," he said.

"Ah," she said as she seemed to process this information. "And what about Kayla? You have anything to say to her?"

"She needs you," he said, "She needs her mother."

"She needs her father," Natalie countered.

"She has a father," he said.

"Does she?" she asked sitting up and looking down at him, "Have any of us ever really had you?"

"Look," he said shutting his eyes, "if you're gonna show up like this could you at least not talk in riddles?"

"Well I got one more for you," she said, "why are you more comfortable talking to a dead woman than your own daughter?"

* * *

The phone woke him up. He looked over at the clock beside the bed—6:52. Early morning phone calls were never good. 

_He was so disoriented when the phone rang that he thought it was the alarm clock at first. He turned off the alarm and looked at it in confusion when it didn't stop. It was only 2:51 a.m.—he hadn't set the alarm that early. Finally he picked up the phone and managed a "Hello?"_

"_John?" said the female voice on the other end, "it's Jessica."_

_Dread smacked him suddenly on the side of the head; he knew why she was calling. "It's over?" he asked before she could say anything. _

"_It's over," she confirmed softly. He must have hung up the phone because at some point he realized that it wasn't in his hand anymore. Kayla had sat up in her bed and was rubbing her eyes groggily, looking at him in confusion. He remembered noticing how dark it was outside and wondering if it was possible that the sun was going to rise that day. And then looking at his daughter and wondering how he was going to tell her that her mother was gone. _

"McBain?" the cranky voice on the other end demanded for the second time as he reminded himself that it was four years later. He was in a different room and there was no eleven-year-old in the next bed begging him to tell her that it would be okay. She'd turned into a fifteen-year-old who was across town hating him.

"Yeah?" he said.

"I convinced her to talk to you," Rex said.

"Okay," he said expecting him to put her on the line.

Apparently that wasn't the plan, "Meet us at the diner in Angel Square in an hour."

"All right," he said as Rex hung up the phone.

To be continued.


	2. Chapter 2

The diner had been repainted; he recognized Cristian's touch in the murals depicting life in Angel Square. Well, an idealized version of life in Angel Square. He'd avoided this place on his visits back, not sure if he was welcome or not. If he'd been coherent he might have suggested they meet somewhere else, but there was no sense in changing the plan now.

Other than a couple ensconced in a corner booth and an older Hispanic man at the counter the diner was empty. The rest of Llanview must still be asleep. Rex and Kayla wouldn't be there for another half hour so he slumped down into a booth to wait.

His waitress, an attractive girl in her early twenties bent over to refill his coffee and as she did he noticed her nametag. "Jaime Vega?" he asked in surprise.

She straightened up and looked at him quizzically. "Yeah. Do I know you?"

"_I know what you're feeling, John," Antonio said leaning across the desk, "I went through the same thing when I thought I'd lost Jaime. All that hurt translated right into anger and I wanted to make someone pay. But it won't help. Trust me."_

John shook his head. "I knew you when you were a little girl. I knew your father. I worked with him for a while at the LPD." That didn't quite capture his relationship with the girl's family, but he felt it was the most neutral description he could give.

"Oh," she said smiling. "You don't live around here anymore though do you? I haven't seen you around."

"No," he said, "I moved to Philly about twelve years ago. So what's Antonio up to these days?"

"Actually he's getting ready to move back here," she said, "starting up a new practice. I guess you know he's a lawyer now." He nodded. "Anyway, he's still up in New York, but he wants to be closer to abuela, you know, my grandmother."

"How is she?"

She sighed, "She's okay. She's just getting older, you know. It's not any one thing in particular, but dad worries about her, so he wants to be close. Plus I'm here now at school and I think he'd like to keep tabs on me."

An impulse he could empathize with.

"And he wants to help my Uncle Cris out with this place," she added, "not that it's not running fine without him, but you know my dad."

"Yeah," he said. Antonio did have a slight control freak tendency. Not that he was in a position to cast stones.

"Hey!" she said, "My Uncle Cris is in the back right now, you want me to go get him so you can say, 'hi'."

Somehow he doubted Cristian wanted to say, 'hi' to him. "No, don't bother him," he said.

"Well what's your name? I'll tell Dad you came by."

"John McBain," he said.

Her reaction was immediate—her smile disappeared and she took a step back, looking at him again, reevaluating him with this new information. "Oh," she said, "_you're_ John McBain." Clearly, she'd heard the name before. In what context he didn't really want to know.

And then just to prove that the situation _could_ get more awkward a voice behind her said, "McBain?"

Jaime turned and stepped aside so that John had a clear view of her uncle. "Hello Cristian," he said.

"_He killed your child!" he finally spat out. "How can you of all people- He killed your child and you are still defending him. Do you realize that? Do you realize that our baby is dead?"_

"Been a long time," Cristian said. Neither one of them said how long. Neither one of them could manage to vocalize the fact that the last time they'd seen each other had been at Natalie's funeral.

"How you been?" John asked.

"Can't complain," Cristian said, "Yourself?"

"Okay."

Cristian turned to Jaime, "Jaime this one's on the house, okay?" Jaime didn't seem to agree with this assessment, but she didn't argue.

"That's not necessary," John protested for her.

Cristian smiled, "Kayla was in here last night with Rex. I got the impression you're gonna need a lot of coffee."

"Yeah," John said, not really comfortable discussing the situation with him.

"Kayla's really growing up," Cristian said sitting down across from him, "she has a lot of her mother in her."

"And it's more than skin deep," John assured him.

"Yeah," he said with a hint of a smile, "I got that impression."

They looked at each other awkwardly for a moment before John said, "Is there something you needed?"

"We've never talked," he said.

"Not sure what you think we have to talk about," he replied sipping his coffee.

"Seeing Kayla last night," he began slowly, "it brought back a lot of memories. Of her mother. And what I did."

"And?"

"I just want you to know," he said hesitantly, "I've never forgiven myself. For what happened that night. With Natalie."

"_Hey," he said trying to sound cheerful as he walked through the door. _

_She was propped up in her bed reading, but put down her book and gave him a misty smile, "Hey." _

_He walked to her side and kissed her gently before sitting down. "How you doing?" he asked squeezing her hand._

_She flashed that forced smile and shrugged, but he could see she was blinking back tears. "I'm getting through," she said in a scratchy voice._

_He kissed her hand. He wanted to reassure her somehow, but there was nothing that was going to make this all right. _

"_How are you?" she asked._

"_I'm okay," he said, "Kayla misses you. I was thinking I might bring her by tomorrow morning-"_

_Natalie shook her head. "I don't want her to see me here. This is going to be confusing and scary enough for her as it is, I don't want-" Tears slipping from her eyes cut off her words._

"_Okay," he agreed._

_They were silent for a moment before she hesitantly said, "Carlotta was just here."_

"_Really," he said softly._

"_She told me," she said. _

_He had no idea how to respond, no idea how she would need him to respond, but before he had to decide she asked, "Why didn't you tell me?"_

"_I didn't want to get you involved," he said stroking her hand in the hopes it would help keep her calm._

"_I kind of think I already am," she said with a harsh laugh._

"_Carlotta shouldn't have come to you," he said trying not to let his voice betray how angry he was with Mrs. Vega for coming to Natalie at a time like this._

"_That's not why she came," Natalie said defensively, "she came to see how I was and it just came out."_

"_You've been through enough," he told her, "she should have realized that."_

"_Maybe she realized I know what it's like to lose a son," she said._

_He snorted, "I must have missed something because the last time I checked hers were both alive."_

"_She had to live through losing Cristian twice," Natalie said, "You know that. And now she's losing him again to prison."_

"_The difference is she'll get him back," he said, "They're only charging him with assault. He won't be in that long."_

"Can't say I have either," John said.

"She did," he pointed out.

"I know," John said.

"And you never forgave _her _for that, did you?"

John clenched his hand tightly around his coffee cup. "I'm not going to talk to you about Natalie."

"I'm not asking you to," he said, "but it's been a long time and I was hoping you might be ready to put it behind us. It was an accident."

"An accident that ruined a lot of lives," John said.

Cris nodded. "Kinda like the mistake you made getting Natalie and I involved in that Vegas sting."

John glared into his coffee, afraid that if he had to look at Crisitan he would lose control of his temper completely. Finally he heard Cristian let out a heavy breath and say, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought that up. It wasn't the same thing." When John still didn't look up he rose and said, "I'll leave you alone. I just thought maybe after twelve years we could put it behind us."

John shook his head as he watched him go. He doubted he would ever be able to put it behind him.

* * *

It was a quarter after eight when Rex and Kayla finally arrived. Rex seemed more or less unphased by the early hour or the situation, but Kayla looked groggy and sullen. 

"Hey," John said standing up to meet them, "how are you doing?"

Kayla grunted something that generally passed for a catch-all "good morning," "hello", and "fine" with her these days. She slid into the opposite side of the booth without ever really making eye contact. John sat back down trying not to let his frustration show. He'd given her the previous night, despite how reckless her actions had been because Rex was right, they both did need to cool off. But now it was morning and she was just going to sit there in silence again.

"So your uncle said you wanted to talk," he said slowly.

"I don't _want_ to talk," she said glaring at him, "I said I would talk. To get him off my back. But that doesn't mean I _want_ to be here. Let's just get this over with."

"Fine," he said looking at her expectantly.

Kayla continued staring at the table for the better part of a minute before she looked up at him in irritation and asked, "What?"

"I'm listening," he said.

"I don't have anything to say," she said, "I just assumed I was coming here for another lecture."

"That's not what this is about," he said, "I'm ready to hear whatever you have to say for yourself."

"Say for myself?" she snorted with a fire flashing in her eyes that looked so familiar, "Like you ever listen to what I have to say."

"Fine," he said, "we'll just sit here in uncomfortable silence. Is that what you want?"

"Yes," she said defiantly before looking back down at the table.

"Okay," Rex said rolling his eyes, "if both of you are going to sit here and sulk I guess I get to play mediator. So from what I can tell a lot of our current melodrama stems from you telling Kayla she couldn't see this guy… what's his name?"

"Mason," Kayla supplied.

Rex gave John an exasperated look. "Seriously McBain, didn't anyone ever tell you that telling a fifteen year old girl she _can't_ see a guy makes him forty times sexier in her eyes."

"You don't know what you're talking about Balsom," John said.

"Enlighten me then."

"She tell you how old he is?" John asked.

"How old he is?" Rex echoed with a raised eyebrow, "No, how old is he?"

"Dad," Kayla groaned in protest.

"How old is he?" Rex repeated.

"Twenty-three," John supplied when it became apparent Kayla wasn't going to answer.

Water sprayed out of Rex's mouth. "Excuse me?"

"Don't take his side!" Kayla pleaded.

"Oh this is not about me taking his side," Rex said, "in fact, I'm even _more_ pissed at him. Why is this guy still walking around and able to procreate? One snip, that's all it would take. Problem solved."

She groaned, "Do you have to be so graphic?"

"Yeah," he said, "because I remember what it's like to be a twenty-three year old guy. And trust me he's only interested in-"

"Sex," Kayla finished for him. "I know. Dad's already given me this lecture a thousand times. Clearly, that's the _only_ reason a guy would be interested in me."

"It's not you," Rex insisted, "that's all twenty-three year old guys are interested in. Period."

"And you don't think I could tell?" she demanded, "you don't think I would be able to tell the difference between a guy that really likes me and one that-"

"Kayla," John tried to interject, "would you just listen?"

"I know you don't," she said turning to him, "you don't think I'm capable of deciding anything for myself."

"I think you're fifteen years old and there are some things that-" he said.

"That I should just leave for the grown ups?" she said standing up suddenly, "Maybe I should just get out of your hair."

"_I sent Kayla home with Jessica to stay for a while. She doesn't understand what's going on and I just thought it might be easier on her."_

He thought he caught tears forming in her eyes as she stood and fled from the diner. He tried to follow her and made it as far as the sidewalk before Rex yanked him backwards.

"I'm her father!"

"And you're also an idiot!" Rex yelled back. "You think this is really all about you not letting her see some guy? Damn it McBain, I convince her to talk to you, 'cause for some incomprehensible reason I want to help you out, and you just screw it up all over again."

"Well maybe that's 'cause I'm in the dark," he snapped. "You seem to understand it all so well. You say this isn't about Mason, what's it about then? What are you saying?"

"I'm saying if you're not careful she's going to wind up dead!" Rex hissed at him, "Just like her mother!"

Rex's words hit him like a punch to the gut and he stood there trying to regain his breath as Rex hurried after Kayla. Stunned he walked back into the diner and put down the money for his coffee and left. He found himself wandering the streets with no idea where he was headed until he found himself standing in front of the police station.

He stood on the sidewalk staring at the building for a moment. Strange how he'd practically lived there for years and hadn't been back since he left town. It was yet another place thick with Natalie. One of those quirky tricks of memory: he knew how many times he'd been in there furious with her, so frustrated he wanted to scream. But after all these years all the memories that came to mind were the happy ones.

"_So how's your grandfather?" he asked, gladly putting aside the file he'd been looking at._

"_For a man his age, who's had that many heart attacks, pretty damn good," she said, perching on the edge of his desk. "Though I think this one's kind of got him thinking. Well, it's got Renée thinking. It's got Asa irritated."_

"_About what?"_

"_About spending more time together while they can," she said, "Renée wants to retire."_

"_I guess that makes sense," he said. "Is BE going to take over The Palace?"_

"_Renée doesn't really want them to. I think she's afraid being part of such a large corporation it'll just get lost and it's kind of her baby. On the other hand, she'd like to keep it in the family."_

"_So what's she going to do?" he asked._

_Natalie smiled at him nervously. "She asked me if I'd consider taking over."_

"_What did you say?" he asked in surprise._

"_Well, I told her I'd think about it and I had to talk to you, of course."_

"_Is it something that you want to do?" he asked. She'd never shown any interest in any of the various Buchanan family businesses before._

"_Well, she made a good case," she said, "I mean the Palace might be a little stuffy, but it seems like it could be fun and she said most of the place really runs itself these days. And it would make childcare easier because I'd be able to take the kids to work with me some of the time."_

_It took him a minute to catch what she'd said. "Did you say kids?"_

_She smiled slyly, "Nothing gets by you, does it Detective?"_

"_Plural?" he clarified._

"_My grammar's not perfect, but I think so."_

"_Are you trying to tell me something?" he asked staring up at her._

_She nodded as her smile widened into a grin. "I am."_

"_You're sure?" he asked eagerly._

"_I saw my OB today. She confirmed it," she said._

_He leaned back a little bit and looked at her. "So you must have already suspected?"_

_She nodded._

"_How long?"_

"_Couple weeks now," she said ducking her head sheepishly, "I took a test on Friday."_

"_Why didn't you say anything?" he asked taking her hand in his._

"_Well I knew you were disappointed after that false alarm in February and I didn't want to get your hopes up until I was sure," she said with a shrug._

_He shook his head in disbelief at this woman who still amazed him after all this time then he said, "Come here," as he pulled her into his lap and gave her a passionate kiss._

_They were both so wrapped up in the kiss that neither of them heard the door open until Bo cleared his throat and said, "Don't I have some sort of interoffice fraternization policy that you two are violating?"_

_They separated and looked up at him like a couple of guilty teenagers. _

"_Sorry," John mumbled._

"_Actually," Natalie said slowly, "you won't have to worry about the interoffice stuff much longer."_

_Bo groaned. "I know. Pa called me already."  
_

"_He did?" Natalie asked in surprise, "I haven't even told them I was accepting the job yet!"_

"_Yeah, like Pa waits for that kinda thing," Bo said with a roll of his eyes. "Well I'm sorry to lose you and if your new employers weren't family I wouldn't be letting you go so easily."_

"_Sorry," Natalie said sweetly._

"_Don't sweat it," he said, "Good luck. Anyway I came in here to see if forensics had sent up that report on the Fischer case."_

"_Not yet," John said._

"_Well I'll leave you two alone then," Bo said starting to step out of the office._

"_Actually," John said stopping him as he squeezed Natalie's hand, "while we're giving you bad news, I'm gonna need some time off in…" He looked to Natalie to supply the timeframe._

"_July," she said. "Family leave."_

_Bo smiled. "Family leave? So you're…?"_

"_Uh huh," Natalie said grinning again as John kissed her cheek._

"_Well congratulations," he said walking over so he could give Natalie a hug and shake John's hand. "I'm happy for you two. Kayla excited about a new brother or sister?"_

"_We haven't told her yet," Natalie said. _

"_Well I'll leave you two alone," he said, "but congratulations again."_

_As he left Natalie caught sight of the open file on John's desk and sighed. "Not again."_

"_Last night," he said shutting the file, "Drunk and disorderly."_

"_He needs help not jail, John," she said, "Jail is half of what did this to him in the first place."_

"_I agree," he said, "but if he won't _get_ help there's not a whole lot more I can do."_

"_I'll talk to him again," she promised._

"_No you won't," he said._

"_John-" she began._

"_He's not you're responsibility," he said._

"_I know that," she insisted, "but he listens to me."_

"_He also beats up strangers in bars," he pointed out, "he has a temper and call me crazy but I don't want you anywhere near him. Especially now." He wrapped his arms protectively around her stomach. _


	3. Chapter 3

"Rex still has a bit of a temper issue," a voice behind him said. He should have expected her to show up here. He turned to see Natalie sitting on the bench behind him, looking thoughtfully at the building.

"Rex has a bit of a _me_ issue," he said.

"Well that doesn't help," she nodded. "You know having the two of you at each others' throats isn't gonna help Kayla."

"Tell him that," he grumbled sullenly.

"I tried," she said sadly, "but he doesn't listen to me very much these days." She sighed. "Listen, about what he said-"

"He said a lot."

"What he said about me," she said, "the way he phrased that it sounded like he blamed you-"

"He blames me for a lot," he said sitting down beside her and resting his head in his hands. "Especially where you're concerned. And for the most part he's right."

"Okay," she sighed, "but in the interests of keeping your ego in check, I just want to remind you that you do not have the ability to control cancer cells."

"I _do _know that," he said, "I think Rex knows that."

"You also can't control your daughter."

"Thank you," he groaned, "I've noticed that."

"The more you try," she said, "the more authoritative and forceful you become, you're just going to make it worse. She's just going to do the exact opposite of what you tell her."

"So what do I do?" he asked, "Am I supposed to just let her run around and do whatever she wants?"

"Obviously not," she said, "but you could try… oh I don't know, talking to the girl."

"Brilliant," he said sarcastically, "why didn't I think of that?"

"I don't know," she said unphased by his tone. "So are you gonna stand out on the sidewalk or are you actually gonna go inside?"

In answer to her question he rose defiantly and walked into the station. He was hit by a sudden feeling vertigo; the station had been renovated. Nothing seemed to be where it should be—it was almost metaphorical. He looked into the space that he was fairly certain had once been his office, but it had been converted into a smallish conference room. If only the past was like that—if only it could be wiped out and remodeled and put to better use.

_He felt the sting of Jessica's slap before he could even process that she'd walked into his office. As he recovered she spat at him, "I just picked your wife up at the hospital. If you even give a damn."_

_He looked at her stunned, "I didn't realize she was getting out today. No one called me."_

_She snorted, "I wonder why."_

"_Where is she now?"_

"_She's at home," Jessica said glaring at him, "Rex is sitting with her. Kayla's at Llanfair with my mother."_

"_How is she?" he asked._

_Jessica shook her head and pursed her lips. "If you really cared you wouldn't be asking me, you'd be with her. Where she needs you."_

"John?" a voice said.

He looked at the older man for a moment before it registered who it was. "Bo," he said, "I thought you'd retired."

"I did," he said with a smile as he slapped John on the back in a half hug, "just here doing some consulting work. Seems my skills are unreplaceable."

"Well I can't imagine this place without you," John said truthfully.

"Yeah, yeah," he said dismissively, "It's good to see you. How you doing?"

"I'm okay," he said.

Bo looked at him skeptically. "Well there's definitely more grey in your hair than the last time I saw you so I guess I don't have to ask how you like raising a teenager."

He sighed. "Yeah, it's… harder than I ever imagined."

"So's Kayla here with you?"

"She's here," he said. "Not exactly with me. She's kinda the reason for this whole unplanned trip. She uh… decided to make an unscheduled visit to her Uncle Rex without telling me first."

Bo grimaced sympathetically. "Well at least there are worse places she could've run. I know she and Rex are close."

"Yeah," he said, "I just wish… I mean she talks to him-- I just wish she'd talk to me."

"Well Rex has an unfair advantage," Bo pointed out. "He gets to be the cool uncle, doesn't have to tell her 'no' doesn't have to make her do her homework-"

"Tell her she can't pierce her nose or date a twenty-three year old," John added.

"Basically," Bo said, "Twenty-three?"

John nodded. "I just wish she'd listen, you know. It's not like I set rules for her just to ruin her social life. I'm trying to help her."

"Just out of curiosity," Bo said giving him a sideways glance, "you ever get that logic to work on her mother?"

"No," he said managing half a smile as he shook his head. "And then we have a fight yesterday morning so she takes off, hitchhikes here—she could have gotten herself killed-"

"She's impulsive," Bo said, "she gets that from Natalie."

"Yeah," he said, "but at least with Natalie I always knew what she was thinking, what she was feeling. She'd let me know. She might scream it at me, but she'd tell me. Kayla just shuts down, keeps it all in."

"That," Bo said with a gentle smile, "she gets from you."

"I know," he admitted, "I think that's part of why it's so frustrating, you know. I of all people should know how to get through to her, but I can't."

"Well what did it take for you?" he asked.

"Natalie," he said, "and therapy."

Bo thought this over for a moment. "Well did you ever think about getting her some help. I mean I don't think she's that bad but she's been through a lot for a kid her age with her mother's illness and-"

"She had counseling," John said softly, "for about a year after her mother died and a little bit before. Natalie set it all up. You know that's what she did she knew she wouldn't be here so she wanted to make sure everything was taken care of for Kayla."

"_Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something," she said in a low voice._

"_Okay," he said._

_She took a step away not looking at him, "I think Kayla should move in with you before the end of the summer."_

"_What?" he asked in surprise. _

"_If we move her during the summer it'll be easier," she continued, "she won't have to move schools in the middle of the year."_

_He stared at her for a moment. He couldn't understand what was going on, why wouldn't she look him in the eyes? "Not that I'd mind having more time with her," he said, "but I thought we agreed a long time ago that she was better off with you."_

_Natalie took a deep breath and looked up at him. He could see fear in her eyes. "John," she said in a steady voice, "by the end of the next school year that's not going to be an option. She's not going to be going back and forth between two parents' houses. You understand that, right?"_

_No he didn't understand that. And he couldn't accept that. It wasn't possible, there would be some kind of miracle between now and then and she would recover. He knew what she was trying to tell him and what she'd been trying to tell him for months now and what Michael had been telling him, but they were wrong. They had to be. "Natalie-" he finally managed to protest weakly but she cut him off._

"_John, it's gonna be hard on her no matter what. This way, at least the transition will be easier."_

"_I'll tell you what," he said, "I'll get a place here in town. I'll move back here and she can stay with me and-"_

"_You can't just move back here out of the blue," she said with a sad smile._

"_Of course I can," he said, "if you want to make things easier on Kayla-"_

"_John," she insisted, "you can't move back to Llanview to be close to me. I won't be here much longer."_

_Suddenly he wanted to retch and felt short of breath. "Please don't give up." He wasn't sure whether he actually said the words aloud. _

_Natalie looked at him a moment as if she was deciding whether to argue with him or not. Finally she said, "I'm not curling up into a ball just yet. That's actually another reason I think Kayla should stay with you. There's a hospital in Philadelphia that's doing some experimental treatments. Figured I'd give it one last shot."_

"Lot of good it did once she left me in charge," he said running his hand through his hair.

"John," Bo said, "I'm a father so I know it isn't easy to see outside of this and get some perspective, but Kayla's a good kid, which means you're a good father. And I'm sure you've made some mistakes, because we all do. And Kayla's gonna do crazy things 'cause she's a teenager and that's what _they_ do. So don't sit here torturing yourself thinking you let Natalie down somehow. 'Cause I don't think she'd see it that way."

* * *

He was crossing Angel Square when he saw them at a distance. They were sitting on a park bench; Kayla was staring at the ground while Rex talked to her in an animated manner. He couldn't hear what they were saying and he stood there for a moment debating whether he should walk to them or walk away and let them talk. His decision was made for him a moment later when Kayla glanced up and caught sight of him. She glared at him, daring him to come closer. Sometimes it was chilling how much she looked like her mother. 

She stood up as though she were about to run again but Rex grabbed her hand. Tugging slightly to free her arm she continued glaring at her father.

"McBain…" Rex groaned in irritation.

"Sorry," he said, "I honestly wasn't looking for you, I was just- look, I'm here—maybe we can-"

"I don't _want_ you here," she growled.

"What are you going to do?" he asked. "Run further away to where you don't know anyone? Leave everyone you care about behind just 'cause you're mad at me?"

"Maybe," she said her glare not wavering. She didn't mean it, he could tell. She was trying to bait him. And it was working. She knew how to push his buttons better than anyone since Natalie.

He took a deep breath to hold back the words that were trying to form in his mouth. The ones that told her she didn't know what she was doing, that she was too young to think clearly. Instead he said, "Why don't we just sit down and talk this over?"

"Oh _you_ want to talk?" she scoffed, "That's rich."

"What do you mean?"

"You _never_ talk," she said.

"I talk all the time," he insisted, "what do you-?"

"Asking me how school was when you only halfway listen to the answer or yelling 'dinner's ready' doesn't count as talking," she said, "You never _really_ talk. About anything."

Was it true? He thought he'd come so far. "Well I will now," he offered, "what do you want to talk about?"

Kayla tucked her hair behind her ears as she hesitated. The normally auburn color was streaked with fluorescent pink which he suspected she'd added just to irritate him. She saw him looking at it, "It could have been worse. I was gonna do rainbow colors."

He smiled slightly. "It's a good color on you. I was just thinking…"

"What?" she asked.

"You remember that wig your mother had?"

_Natalie answered the door wearing a flowing fluorescent pink wig. He held back a laugh but she caught the amusement in his expression. "Your daughter," she explained, "she picked it out."_

"_It looks… nice," he lied._

"_I'm glad you think so. Kayla tells me it makes me look like Princess… something or other off some cartoon, which tells me Starr really is letting her watch too much TV. Anyway, I have a normal one too to wear to work, and more scarves than I'll ever wear, but I figure, 'hey, someone should have fun with this.'"_

"It wasn't quite her color, was it?" Kayla said.

"We'll just say even _I_ can tell you look better in it than she did," he said.

"Why did she wear it?" Kayla asked.

"Because she wanted to make you happy," he said.

Kayla's look softened for a moment but she quickly shook her head. "No. Don't pull the Mom Card."

"I wasn't trying…" he fumbled for words, "you wanted to talk.

"Too late," she said, "I don't want to talk to you."

"Then what do you-?"

Kayla crossed her arms and set her jaw resolutely. "I want to talk to Mom," she said defiantly. That was her way of saying she wanted to visit her mother's grave. Part of him wanted to tell her that Natalie wasn't there. She was in their old room, on the roof top, at the police station, Rodi's… but she wasn't in that cemetery.

But if going there made Kayla feel closer to her mother how could he take that away from her?

He nodded. "Okay. You want me to drive you there."

She shook her head quickly. "I'd rather you not be there."

He started to protest but Rex stopped him with a look. "You want me to take you?" he asked. She nodded. And he moved to slide out of the booth. Turning to John he said, "We'll call you in a little bit."

He wasn't happy this resolution, but he knew arguing would only make Kayla build those walls up higher. He'd done it enough times himself.

* * *

If he closed his eyes and listened he could almost strip the years away. He could hear the crisp cracking of balls at the pool table and her triumphant giggle as she made the shot yet again. He could smell her perfume mingled with the aromas of beer and grilling meat. He'd avoided Rodi's for the past four years, so why did he suddenly find himself back there tonight? 

"Johnny?" Michael said in surprise coming up to him from behind. "I didn't know you were in town. You shoulda called."

"Sorry," he said, "it was kinda spur of the moment."

"Kayla here too?" he asked.

"She's with Rex," he said.

Michael raised his eyebrows. "Unchaperoned?"

John nodded. "She wanted to visit with her mother. Don't think she wanted me around."

Something crossed Michael's eyes. Sorrow… but with a heavy dose of regret. And sympathy that John knew he didn't deserve.

"_Nothing happened, Johnny," Michael said, "You realize you are ripping your family apart for something that never even happened anywhere but in that twisted head of yours?" _

"You got a place to stay? Sandy and the kids are out of town so we have plenty of room," Michael offered.

"I'm staying at Angel Square," he said, "I'm fine."

Suddenly two arms snaked around Michael's neck from behind and a blond woman purred in his ear, "Dr. McBain, I believe you owe me a drink."

Michael rolled his eyes at John before turning to the woman and saying, "Well, Dr. Manning why don't you just order yourself something and tell them to put it on my tab, okay?"

The woman started to walk away when she noticed John for the first time and threw her arms around him without warning. "John!" she exclaimed, "I didn't know you were here? Is Kayla here? I haven't seen her in forever!"

"Hey Starr," John choked out when it finally registered who she was. "Kayla's staying with Rex."

Starr put her hands on her hips and said, "And he didn't even tell me. That dork. So how _is_ she?"

"Hard to say," he said grimly, "she's not really speaking to me."

"I wouldn't worry about it too much," Starr said, "she's fifteen. Remember what I was like at fifteen?"

"Didn't you arrest her when she was fifteen?" Michael asked his brother.

"I was sixteen when that happened, thank you very much," she said glaring back at him. "And just for the record, I'm still pissed about that."

"I let you off easy," John said with a shrug.

"And trust me," she said, "You're getting off easy with the teenager acting out thing."

"She's got a point," Michael said, "I mean you see at work everyday how much worse she could be."

"It's a rough age," Starr continued, "I mean your hormones are going crazy and so are everybody else in school's-"

"Can I tell you how much I _don't _want to talk about my daughter and hormones," John said.

"I'm just saying," she said with a smile, "she's a good kid. Especially considering… you know… her family situation."

_She sighed wearily and let her arms drop to her sides. "I can't do this anymore, John."_

"_Do… what?" he asked._

"_This," she said, "us. I can't fight anymore."_

"_I don't want to fight," he said sitting beside her._

"_Neither do I," she said, "but we will. If you stay we'll just keep fighting. And we'll just keep hurting each other. We won't mean to, but we will. We always do. And I'll spend all my time either walking on eggshells because I don't want to upset you or lashing out at you and you'll disappear to go brood out in the night-"_

"_It doesn't have to be that way," he said softly._

"_Maybe not," she said her eyes tearing up, "but it will. We both know it."_

"_So what are you saying?" he asked, his heart sinking._

"_I'm saying it's time to cut our losses," she said, "it's time to end this before we destroy each other completely."_

"_Cut our losses?" he repeated in disbelief, "you want to just give up?"_

_She shook her head tearfully. "If it was just you and me I'd never give up. I'd fight for us till my dying breath. But Kayla's getting caught up in it-"_

"_You want a divorce," he said, translating her words._

"_I don't think 'want' is the right word," she said, "but I think that's what we should do."_

"_And you don't think _that's_ going to hurt Kayla?"_

"_I think the ship sailed a while ago on not hurting Kayla," she said, "but I think if we resolve this as quickly and cleanly as we can while she's in California it'll be less traumatic."_

_He studied her face for a long moment while she stared at her folded hands. "I know I can't talk you out of anything once your mind's made up," he said finally._

"_You probably could," she admitted, "but I don't think it would be a good idea."_

"_Okay," he said softly, "maybe you're right. Fine."_

_She looked surprised; almost as if she'd expected him to argue. "Okay," she said nodding, "I'll talk to my mom's lawyer then and get the paperwork started."_

"_I guess there's no point in moving my stuff back in then," he said, fingering his duffle bag not missing the irony of the situation._

"I just wish I knew what to do," he said.

"You'll get through this and so will she," Starr said patting him on the shoulder, "now if you'll excuse me, I'm through with this drink and need to find someone to buy me another round." With a suggestive glance at Michael she made her way around the bar.

"What was that all about?" John asked, turning to his brother.

"Oh, I lost a bet. Loser had to buy the winner a drink," he said nonchalantly.

"What are you, having a midlife crisis?" John asked looking at the young woman at the bar.

Realization dawned on Michael and his eyes widened. "You thought- No! Seriously, John, she works for me."

"You apparently are the touchy feely kinda boss then," he said with a smile.

"Oh she's like that with everyone," Michael said with a wave of his hand, "especially when she's drinking."

"Okay," John said sounding unconvinced, though it was mostly just to harass his brother.

"I am a happily married man," Michael said indignantly

"_You know, this is supposed to be a birthday party," Michael said walking up behind his brother._

"_Huh?" John replied distractedly. _

"_You're brooding at your daughter's birthday party," he said, "it's bad form."_

"_I'm not-" John didn't finish his denial because he realized Michael was right. "Sorry, I overheard a discussion between Rex and Natalie that I don't think I was supposed to."_

"_About what?" Michael asked._

_He hesitated. He didn't have any right to ask about this, but he couldn't quite pass up the opportunity either. "Is Natalie involved with anyone?"_

"_Not that I know of," Michael shrugged._

"_You sure? Maybe someone she was involved with before?" _

"_I don't think so," he said, "I mean Natalie doesn't exactly keep me briefed on all the details of her life but those kind of things usually get around in this town."_

"_It's not Cristian, is it?" _

_Michael rolled his eyes, "Johnny, Natalie and Cristian have been over for a _very_ long time. I don't think she has any intention of going back there." _

"_But then-" John's mind searched through every man he'd ever even seen Natalie so much as talk to, "think Michael, is there anyone-?"_

"_I'm not having this conversation with you," Michael said suddenly walking away._

_John followed him. "What's _your_ problem?"_

"_Did it occur to you while you were interrogating me about Natalie's love life that you haven't once asked about mine?" Michael said petulantly._

"_Do you _have _a love life?" he pointed out._

"_Well I do now," Michael said._

"_Okay, Mikey, how's your love life?"_

"_I think I'm in love," Michael said solemnly._

"_Again?" Ever since Marcie walked out on him six years earlier Michael had developed a tendency to become easily swept up in passing flirtations._

_Michael glared at him, "It's for real this time."_

_John smiled indulgently, "Okay, so who is this girl?"_

"_She's a drug rep," Michael began._

"_I thought you said drug reps were all sleazy," he said._

_Michael let out a dreamy sigh. "Not her. I _wish_ she were a little sleazy."_

"Just making sure you remember that," John said. He sat there contemplating his beer for a few more minutes when his phone rang. Seeing Rex's number on the caller ID he put down some money to cover his drink as he made his way outside to answer.

"Dad?" a voice said tentatively on the other end.

"Kayla?" he said feeling relief at just hearing her voice.

"I'm sorry," she said softly, "I acted like a brat."

"It's okay," he said, "I've just been worried."

"I'm fine," she said.

"Did you-?"

"Yeah, we went to the cemetery," she said, "I… I think it helped."

"Can we talk?" he asked, "in person."

She paused for a moment. "I'm kinda tired. Can it wait till tomorrow?"

He didn't want to wait, but how do you tell a fifteen year old not to count on tomorrow?

"_John, you have to let him go," she said softly, fingering the hospital blanket._

"_He broke the law," he said trying with everything he had to stay calm, "he's a repeat offender. It's out of my hands."_

"_We both know that's not true," she said meeting his eyes. She was trembling. God, how could she be putting herself through this for that animal?_

"_Natalie," he said searching for something to say that would make her understand._

"_It was an accident," she said the volume in her voice starting to climb, "a terrible, horrific stupid accident, but it was an accident. He didn't mean to-"_

"_Oh he never does, does he?" he snorted._

"_He's sick," she said launching into the same speech he'd heard a thousand times, "He needs help. He-"_

"_He killed your child!" he finally spat out. "How can you of all people- He killed your child and you are still defending him. Do you realize that? Do you realize that our baby is dead?"_

"_Don't you dare!" she said fiercely, "I know. I know on a level you will never understand. That baby was inside of me. I felt him move; I felt his soul inside of me. And I felt him leave. I was there when he died and I was all by myself. I know what we've lost, but I also know that putting Cristian in jail isn't going to bring him back."_

"_That's not what I'm trying to do," he said lowering the volume of his voice and clenching his hands into fists._

_Natalie paused and studied his face for a moment before saying in a shaky voice, "John, it's okay to be hurt. It's okay to be angry. It's normal."_

"_Thank you," he said feeling suddenly as though there were a weight on his chest, "but this is not about me being angry or hurt it's about getting a dangerous criminal off the streets before he does this to someone else."_

_She shook her head, "You know that isn't going to happen."_

"_I _don't_ know that actually," he said._

"_We need to talk about this John," she said. _

"_I thought that's what we were doing."_

"_Not about Cristian," she said fingering the blankets on her lap, "about the baby."_

"_I don't know what to say," he mumbled to the floor. _

"_Why can't you just admit who you're really mad at, John," she pleaded, "you don't blame Cristian for our baby's death. You blame me."_

"_Why would I blame you?" he asked, not wanting to believe he could._

" _If I had listened to you and stayed away-"_

"_You don't need to do this now," he said, "you need to rest."_

"_Rest?" she scoffed, "I have a son in the morgue and a husband that won't look at me-- do you really think I can rest?"_

_The weight on his chest suddenly got heavier and his throat felt tight. "I can't do this right now," he said standing up._

"_John," she said and he heard a sob rip through her throat as he headed out the door of her room and down the hall. He'd made it about fifty feet before he heard her call his name again, followed by his brother's voice telling her she needed to get back to bed. He turned to see her barefoot in a hospital gown hobbling towards him. Part of him wanted to run to her and take her in his arms, but his feet wouldn't move. _

"_John, please!" she called desperately as she collapsed on the ground, one arm still reaching towards him. Michael was at her side in an instant wrapping his arms around her, trying to help her up as she continued sobbing. _

_He started to go back, but Michael looked up at him for a moment, with a look of so much anger and disgust that he knew his continued presence would only make things worse. And so he turned around again and left the hospital. The horror of what he had done began to dawn on him as he drove home. He would fix this. But not tonight._

He knew first hand how dangerous it was to put off those conversations and yet why _should_ a fifteen year old have to know that. There was no way he'd rest till this was settled, whatever it was, but if she was willing to talk to him he should be willing to make some concessions too. "Sure," he said, "give me a call?"

"Yeah," she said, "see you tomorrow."

"Love you," he said.

There was a moment of silence before he heard her hang up; as if she were trying to say something else but couldn't quite manage. 'There's irony for you,' he thought to himself. All those years he hadn't been able to say the words—it had never occurred to him how much it would hurt to have a teenager in his life with the same problem.

To be continued.


	4. Chapter 4

He couldn't summon the desire to go back in Rodi's so he wandered back to the hotel but walked right past his room and up to the roof. If he could have transported any place in Llanview to Philadelphia with him this would have been it. He walked to the edge and put his hands on the ledge, the slightly chilled breeze washing over his face almost calmed him.

_As much as he loved being on the roof, looking up at the stars or out at Llanview, he didn't go there very often. It was their spot. And there was no more them. There was no more chance for them, because he was losing her for good this time. He couldn't process it; it was wrong, it just had to be. It was like when he was working a case and all the evidence added up pointing to one suspect, but he just _knew_ there was something he was missing. _

_There would be a cure, a miracle, a last minute save. There always was. _

_It took him a minute to process that the strange shape standing at the edge looking out was a person, and even longer to realize that it was her. Natalie had either heard the door from the stairs or somehow sensed that he was behind her because she turned and smiled at him. She was wearing pajamas with a long heavy coat thrown over them and a knitted wool hat on her head where that thick red hair should have been. _

_She smiled at him, "Hey John."_

"_I didn't realize you were up here," he said walking closer._

"_Yeah well I have to sneak around these days," she said turning back to the view. "No one lets me have any fun." _

_He stood beside her silently for a moment, looking out at the lights. She hugged herself tightly and shivered as a gust of wind hit them. "It's cold," he said, "you shouldn't be up here at night like this."_

"_Yeah," she said with a sad smile, "I'll catch my death of cold." She laughed. When he didn't she added, "I'm sorry. I forget other people don't find that funny."_

"_Don't apologize," he said._

"_I don't have too many more nights to look out at the lights. There are too many trees at Llanfair, you can't see anything. And I don't know how much longer I'll be able to sneak away like this."_

"_Natalie," he pleaded feeling tears well in his eyes, "don't-"_

_She sighed. "John, please don't make me pretend with you. I pretend with everyone else all the time because they need it, but it's exhausting. You never used to let me get away with pretending."_

_True there were plenty of times he'd called her on a pretense, but there _were_ plenty of times they'd both pretended about things. Because sometimes the truth was just too hard to acknowledge. _

"It's amazing how the view from up here never changes, isn't it?" she asked coming up behind him. He turned to see her, her hair long and draping over her shoulders the way it should be and he didn't know whether to be happy she was here or not.

"Well go ahead," he said, "tell me how I screwed up this time."

She shook her head, "I'm not under any delusions that you need me to beat you up for your mistakes. You do an excellent job of that all on your own."

"Well you know what?" he snapped, "I've been having to do everything on my own the last four years so-"

"Are you mad at me for that?" she asked sounding shocked.

"No," he said running a hand over his face, "but you keep showing up here telling me what I need to do, what Kayla needs—what she needs is you!"

She stared at him for a moment before she spoke again in a tone that was calm but clearly charged with emotion. "And if I could be here, you know I'd… Damn it John I'd like to be there with you to help out just as much as you want me there, but it's not like I chose this. And please remember, when you're pissed at me for leaving you a lot of work to do that I was the one who got the short end of the stick."

"_How'd the appointment go?" he asked._

_She took a deep breath. "Not as well as I'd hoped."_

"_Natalie?" he asked tentatively, hoping that didn't mean what it sounded like it meant._

"_It's back, John," she said looking up at him, "the cancer's back."_

"_How bad is it?" he asked, trying to sound calm._

"_Hard to say at this point," she said, "it's definitely not good. The fact that it came back, it-"_

"_Okay," he said his mind racing, "well they caught it soon so-"_

"_I can't do this again," she said shaking her head, tears welling up in her eyes._

"_Yes you can," he said putting a hand on either shoulder, "look you beat this once before, you can do it again. You're a lot stronger than you think."_

"_You don't understand what it's like," she insisted. "Feeling that bad all the time. Forcing your way through each day. Sitting there in the infusion room. You know they arrange all the chairs in a circle, so we can talk to each other but no one does. We just sit there in silence together like we're practicing for being dead." She looked into his eyes and added, "You're the only person I was ever really comfortable being silent with."_

"_Well I'll tell you what," he said squeezing the tension from her shoulders, "you ever need anyone to sit and be quiet with, you just give me a call, okay?"_

_She nodded, holding back the tears. "I will. Just don't blame yourself if you can't save me this time."_

"I know," he said, "I'm sorry. I just-"

"Don't sweat it," she said with a sigh.

"I tried what you said," he said turning back to the view, "I tried talking to her."

"John," she laughed, "it's not that simple. You can't all of a sudden say you want to talk and expect her to just open up. You're gonna have to do some of the talking."

"About what?"

"Us," she said simply.

"No," he said, "she's too young to understand-"

"Maybe," she admitted, "maybe she won't understand. But she's not too young to know. I think she needs to know John—it's no wonder she's confused. She's getting to the age where girls are obsessed with finding out about love and she grew up with two people that were scared as hell of it."

"_Well… I should go," he said._

"_No, wait wait," she said reaching for a bottle of wine, "you have to taste this. Jessica and Nash's latest. And possibly last." Her face was flushed—she'd had quite a bit to drink already. He probably should have stopped her from drinking more, but he wasn't quite ready for the evening to end. _

"_Why's that?"_

_She shook her head dismissively, "They're having some kind of issue. Jess swears it's the last time she's leaving him, but she always says that." She filled two wine glasses slightly more than she should have and handed one to him. "A toast," she said raising her glass, "to our daughter. Eight years old going on forty. The best thing we've ever done."_

_He nodded and raised his glass, clinking it with hers. He took a sip and then raised it again, "And to her mother. Who is still as amazing as ever." She blushed but clinked her glass with his. _

"_This is good," he said taking another sip of the wine. _

"_Well I know you're more of a beer guy," she said, "but we drank all the beer already. Is it weird that we went through that much alcohol at a kid's party?"_

"_Well there were a lot of grown ups there," he said._

"_Yeah," she said taking a swallow of wine, "I'm glad she has so much family, you know. And that they were all able to be here."_

"_Yeah, it's good," he said. The wine was sweet and he realized he was drinking it too fast. Natalie drained her glass and refilled them both. _

"_You ever think about it?" she asked, "I mean, you and I, we're still technically family."_

"_I guess you could say that," he nodded._

"_We share a daughter, you know," she continued, "but we don't really share anything else these days. I mean, I have no idea what's going on in your life these days."_

"_Not like I know all the details of yours," he said, "like earlier for example."_

"_What do you mean, earlier?" she asked. _

_He hadn't meant to say anything but the wine he'd had and the beer before that had loosened his tongue a little too much. And as much as he knew he should just dismiss it, he kept talking. "What you and Rex were talking about," he said, "and I know you well enough. I remember how you are when you're trying to get a guys attention. That slinky black top."_

_She flushed almost purple, "I'm that obvious."_

"_Not _that_ obvious," he said, "I haven't figured out who it is."_

"_Oh," she said with a laugh._

"_So?" he asked._

"_So?" she asked innocently._

"_Who is it?" he asked poking her._

"_You really don't know?" she asked over the rim of her glass._

"_Not a clue," he said._

"_Well this is really embarrassing," she said. _

"_Someone I know?" he pressed._

"_You could say that," she giggled tucking her hair behind her ears. _

"_Who?" he asked as she drained her glass again._

"_It's you, John," she said._

"_Me?" he asked surprised._

_She nodded. "You're the one Rex was talking about. The reason for the slinky top. The reason I drank _way_ too much tonight."_

"_What are you saying?" he asked. _

"_It's crazy, I know, it's just lately I've been feeling…" she covered her face with her hands, "I'm such an idiot."_

"_No," he said gently pulling her hands away. Their eyes locked suddenly and he realized how lightheaded he was. Was it the alcohol or her? Before he could figure it out she seized his face with her hands and pulled his lips to her own. Something in the back of his mind screamed at him to stop her but he wasn't the slightest bit interested in listening to that voice and instead he kissed her back with everything he'd been holding back for the last five years. _

_Somehow they ended lying on the couch with him poised above her. He was completely lost in the sensation of her flesh against his as her hands roamed his body for the first time in five years until her wine glass slipped from her hand and shattered on the floor. _

_He sat up with a jolt as she murmured, "Leave it." He shook his head and tried to catch his breath as he moved back from her. _

"_John?" she asked softly, still not moving._

"_We've both had a lot to drink," he said, rubbing his eyes, trying to clear his head._

"_Sometimes that's what it takes with us," she said sitting up. He immediately wished she hadn't because that brought her closer to him, which only made it harder to deny himself her touch. "We've both gotten so good at denying ourselves what we really want," she continued, echoing his own thoughts, "or are you saying you don't want this?"_

"_I always have," he sighed forcing himself to look at her. He owed it to her to look her in the eyes, "but that doesn't mean it's a good idea. Because if we sober up and realize we made a mistake-"_

"_Things could get pretty bad," she nodded, squeezing her eyes shut, "particularly if that little girl upstairs found out. Her life's confusing enough as it is. Oh God John, I'm such an idiot! I'm sorry-" Her voice cracked and she covered her mouth with her hand as though she were holding back a sob._

"_Hey," he said gently turning her face so that she would look at him, "don't apologize. I was right there with you, okay? We just- we should slow down. I don't want to have to explain to Kayla that her mom and dad got back together because they had too much to drink."_

"_Right," she said, wiping her nose with the back of her hand._

"_We should talk about this," he said, "but not tonight. Take our time."_

_She smiled suddenly. "We can do that, can't we?"_

"_Yeah we can," he said smiling back, running his fingers over a lock of her hair._

"_You know, when I found out I had cancer I felt like I'd run out of time when I wasn't looking. But now-"_

"_You beat it," he told her._

"_I did," she said, "and something like that kinda makes you feel like anything is possible."_

"_Even us?" he asked._

"_I think we've always been possible," she said, "we just never quite managed to make it work."_

"_So what are we going to do?" he asked, "we gonna give it another try?"_

"_We can't let Kayla know," she said soberly, "not until we're sure."_

_He nodded. "We go real slow. Just see where it goes."_

He ran his hand through his hair. "You should be the one having this conversation with her."

"Would if I could," she said wistfully, "I know talking about love was never your strong suit."

"I tell her I love her," he said, "Irony of ironies she's the one who won't say it back."

"John," she said, "she knows that. Deep down she knows that you love her. She knows I loved her."

"Then what-?"

"What I don't think she knows is how much I loved _you_. How much we loved each other. By the time she was old enough to remember we were just two people who did everything possible to keep each other at arm's length."

_They sat on opposite sides of the table not looking at each other. Letting the lawyers do the talking. Neither of them had the energy to fight anymore and neither of them cared much about the division of property or mundane details like that. _

_Finally one of the lawyers spoke and said, "Well then, all that remains to be decided is the custody of the minor child Kayla McBain."_

_At the same moment both of them looked up and their eyes met. Hesitantly Natalie said, "I don't want her feeling like she's caught in the middle of us. And I don't want her to feel like she's losing either of us. So what do you think a week with me a week with you?"_

_He looked back at the table. This wasn't the way to tell her but he hadn't found a way to do it earlier. "That's going to be hard to do when she starts school."_

_She looked at him blankly. "Why? I mean even if we're not living in the same school district one of us can just drive her to school I'm sure we can work it out with the school system."_

"_I just took a job in Philly," he said, "It's gonna be kind of a long commute."_

_She stared at him in shock. "You're leaving town? John, why?"_

_How could he answer that? He couldn't tell her the truth—that he couldn't be near her and not be with her, but he couldn't be with her and not destroy her. He just couldn't do it anymore. "Figured it was time for a change," he finally managed. _

"What that little girl needs," Natalie insisted, "is to know that she came from a place of love. That her parents loved each other desperately when she was born. No matter what happened afterwards."

"What did happen afterwards?" he asked. "How did we wind up where we did?"

"You were there," she sighed.

"Actually, I wasn't," he said, "not when you needed me. I was such an idiot."

_He sat in the car for a long time, trying to steady himself. Maybe she was right; maybe he was avoiding her so he could avoid facing the loss of their son. Maybe part of him really was angry with her. If she had just listened to him-_

_But no, she always knew better. She always did what she wanted regardless of the danger it put her in. Only this time she wasn't the only one who'd gotten hurt. _

_No. He clenched his fists. No, he couldn't be mad at her. Not after what she'd been through. Even if she was in some way to blame, she'd paid enough. And he wasn't going to let Cristian Vega destroy their relationship once again. _

_He took a deep breath as he stepped out of the car and made his way to their apartment. Unlocking the door and letting himself in he was surprised to find the lights all off. Was she out? Maybe she'd gone to sleep early. It would make sense after what she'd been through lately. _

_He made his way quietly down the hallway, not wanting to wake her, just wanting to make sure everything was okay. He stopped at their bedroom; the door was open but it took his eyes a moment to adjust to the dark and his brain a moment longer to believe what he was seeing. _

"Yeah," she admitted, "but at least you weren't the only one. I mean, to be fair, you _did_ walk in on me in bed with your brother."

"I should've listened to you when you said it wasn't what it looked like," he insisted.

"Michael was the one who said that," she reminded him. "What I said was a little less… helpful."

"_Fine John!" she screamed as she followed him out to the porch, "I'm sleeping with your brother. Is that what you want to hear? Then fine, I'll say it. I've been fucking your brother for years now, can't believe it took you this long to find out!"_

"Looking back," he said slowly, "I think I knew from the start I was wrong. That neither of you would have… I was just looking for a reason to be mad."

"You had a reason, you just couldn't admit it," she said. "If I hadn't gone running off that night, so sure I could save Cristian…"

"You think if our son hadn't died…?" he asked.

"The problem wasn't him dying," she said, "it was you shutting down afterwards."

"Yeah," he said softly.

"You have to stop it," she said firmly, "because children learn by example. If you don't open up Kayla's gonna shut down and I know that's not what you want."

"How?" he asked, "How do I do it?"

She smiled and shook her head. "How many times have you done the impossible? How hard can it be to do it again?"

He felt a sudden burning on his chest and when he reached up to rub the spot found the St. Jude medal Natalie had given him so long ago. Strange, he thought looking down at it. He had no memory of putting it on in the first place. When he looked back up she was gone again.

To be continued.


	5. Chapter 5

He had no idea how late it was before he wandered down to his room. Still lost in his own head he was startled to suddenly realize someone was standing outside his room.

"Balsom?" he said, "What's going on? Where's Kayla?"

"Asleep," he said.

"Alone?" John asked in concern.

"She'll be fine," Rex said, "she's not a little girl. And I want to talk to you."

"Okay," John said opening the door to his room and motioning him inside, "about what?"

"Look it's no secret that I don't like you," he began.

"But you hide it so well," John said leaning against the back of the couch.

"You hurt my sister," he said, "over and over. And she let you. And I didn't like it but in the end it was her business. But I'll be damned before I watch you do the same thing to her daughter."

"She's my daughter too," he said softly.

"Which isn't her fault," Rex said, "and which doesn't give you the right to drag her down into your world of brooding and darkness."

"You think that's what I'm trying to do?" he asked.

"I don't know what you're _trying_ to do," Rex shot back, beginning to pace back and forth, "I just know what you _are_ doing. And her mother's not here to stop you and most of her mother's family's too caught up in their own drama to even notice what's happening to her, but I'm here and I'm not gonna let it happen."

"Thank you," John said and he could tell it caught him off guard, "I'm glad you've always been so involved in Kayla's life. You mean a lot to her and I think you've been good for her."

"Well someone had to step in," he said, clearly not sure how to respond.

"I think Natalie would be really glad to know that her brother was so close to her daughter," he continued, "but I don't think she'd want us at each other's throats like this."

Anger flashed back into Rex's eyes. "Don't pretend you know what Natalie would have wanted! You were out of her life a long time before she died. You weren't there. You weren't the one sitting by her bed that night, watching her struggle to force air into her lungs for hours before she just stopped. You weren't there! So don't lecture me about what Natalie would have wanted."

John stared at him in shock for a moment. "I didn't realize… I didn't know you were there when…"

"Of course I was there," Rex said closing his eyelids gently to keep the tears from spilling out, "where else would I have been?"

"I'm sorry," he stammered.

Rex looked him up and down. "You _are_ sorry. Just don't let Kayla be the one to suffer for it." Without looking back or waiting for a response he walked out. "Meet us at the Palace at 10:00," he called over his shoulder as he slammed the door behind him.

John didn't even have to turn around to know she was standing behind him. "Like I said," she said softly, "anger issues."

"He's right," he said, "he was there for you in the end. I wasn't."

"That wasn't entirely your choice," she said.

"_Is Natalie here?" he asked looking around, surprised that she wasn't downstairs to see Kayla off. _

_Viki looked at him uneasily. "She's resting."_

"_Can I go up and see her?" he asked._

_Viki turned to Kayla and said, "Sweetheart why don't you take your things out to the car and your dad will catch up with you."_

"_Okay," Kayla said rolling her eyes at once again being sent from the room so the grown ups could talk._

"_What's going on?" John asked when she was gone. _

"_I'm sorry John," she said, "I know this isn't easy on you."_

"_Don't worry about me," he said._

"_I'm not," she assured him, "I'm only worried about my daughter and my granddaughter. But I'm sympathetic to you because I know you must be confused."_

"_I'm a little confused as to what we're talking about," he admitted._

_The look in Viki's eyes was one of genuine sympathy as she said, "I know that before the cancer came back you and Natalie had been getting closer and I realize that she's been pushing you away lately."_

"_Avoiding me is really more accurate," he said. _

"_She's afraid that she's dying," Viki said bluntly, "and she's afraid of what that will do to you if the two of you get involved again." His immediate impulse was to shout that Natalie wasn't dying but he restrained himself and let her mother continue talking. "I know what it's like," she said, "I've been there myself. You get comfortable in remission and you feel like you've put it all behind you and all of a sudden you find out it's back. And you feel so out of control you start obsessing over the few things your life that you can control to make it easier on those around you."_

"_So you think she's avoiding me so that if she…" he couldn't say the words, "she thinks it'll be easier on me somehow." Viki nodded. "I'm not gonna let her do that," he said._

_Viki sighed. "John, I know you care about her. I know you always have. But you're relationship has always been… turbulent to say the least. It's something that's going to help her make it through this."_

"_So you're telling me to stay away from her?" he asked. _

"_I'm asking you John," Viki pleaded, "because if she's worried about you and your relationship and how her illness is affecting you it's only going to sap the strength she needs to fight this. And believe me when I say she is going to need every ounce of strength she has."_

"I shouldn't have listened," he said, "we were always stronger together than apart."

"And I was always more stubborn than you could handle," she said, "If you had kept after me I just would have pushed you away harder. And in the end it wouldn't have changed the outcome."

"Maybe not," he said flopping back on the couch, "but it would have-"

"What?" she asked when he cut himself off.

"I backed off hoping it would help keep you alive, and it didn't work," he said looking up at her, wishing he could feel her touch one last time and knowing it was impossible. "There is nothing in my life that I regret more than all the time I gave up that I could have spent with you."

She sat down on the arm of the couch. "I know. Because I have all the same regrets John. But what are you going to do? Spend the rest of your life wrapped up in regrets from years ago? You can't do that. It'll kill you if you try and John you _do_ deserve better than that. But if you can't believe that at least believe that Kayla deserves better. You're the only parent she has now."

"It should be you," he said.

"But it isn't," she groaned, "John you know what it's like to lose a parent. I know you don't want her to end up like you did—so full of anger and hurt that you couldn't feel anything else for years."

"How do I stop that from happening?" he asked desperately staring up at the ceiling.

"You make sure she knows that it's okay to love," she said, "but that it's okay to feel the other stuff too as long as she doesn't keep burying it all inside. Just talk to her John. You'll know what to say when the time comes."

He sat up on his elbows to argue, but she was gone again. Just like Natalie—she always made sure she got the last word.

* * *

As he approached the Palace entrance the next morning, a woman in a designer suit who had just left the building paused as he passed her and said, "John McBain? I didn't expect to see you here!" 

"Evangeline Williamson?" he asked, staring at the woman in surprise.

She cleared her throat. "Evangeline Williamson-Bennett," she corrected him.

"That's right," he said shaking his head as if to clear his mind, "I remember hearing something about that."

"I sent you an invitation," she said with a taut smile, "you never responded. But it was ten years ago, I'm not surprised you don't remember."

He thought back ten years. No, he still couldn't remember the invitation, but then ten years ago he'd been right at the beginning of a crisis.

_She called him at work. That was strange; she normally waited until evening and called him at home. His first reaction had been irritation—he was busy and she ought to know that, why was she bothering him now?_

"_Sorry to bother you," she said in a business-like tone devoid of the intimacy they'd once shared, "but I have a scheduling problem I need to take care of. I have an appointment on Thursday so I'm not going to be able to drop Kayla off like I promised."_

"_Can't you move the appointment?" he asked impatiently._

"_No," she said firmly, "Look I can bring her on Friday or you can come and pick her up, whichever you'd prefer."_

"_Well either way it's a problem for me," he said, "I won't get off until after six on Thursday and then I'll have to drive all the way to Llanview, drive back…And Friday's not great either."_

"_I'm sorry," she reiterated, "I feel terrible doing this to you."_

_It didn't even occur to him that she meant it; it sounded like one of those throw away lines people use in such conversations. And he was irritated. She always held all the strings where Kayla was concerned and he was just supposed to accommodate last minute changes like this. So he snapped at her, "This appointment's that important?"_

_And that's when he heard it. The catch in her voice he hadn't picked up on before. She was on the brink of tears. "Yes, John, it is."_

_When she'd come to pick Kayla up on Sunday night he'd asked, "Appointment go okay?" _

"_Mm hm," she said sounding perfectly natural and blasé. "Listen, I hate to spring this on you on such short notice but I'm going to have to go out of town in two weeks. My mom can keep Kayla if she needs to but I was wondering if you'd like to take her. Spend a whole week with her."_

_She'd been so calm about it. Acted like it was no big deal. How could he have known it was the end of the world?_

"So how's your little girl?" Evangeline asked, dragging him back to reality.

"Not so little any more," he said regretfully, "she's fifteen."

"Tough age," she said sympathetically. "Is she here? I'd love to meet her."

"She's with Rex," he said.

She hesitated, "I heard about Natalie. I was shocked, I mean she was so full of life, I never would have imagined…"

"She fought for a long time," he managed. He wondered if she thought he really wanted to talk about this. Why did everyone treat him like the grieving widower anyway? They'd been divorced for eight years when she died. And what gave her of all people the right to talk about Natalie?

"Anyway," she said, "I have to go; I have a meeting, the whole reason I'm in town."

"Where are you living these days?" he asked.

She stared at him in disbelief. "Um… Harrisburg." She studied his expression for a moment and said, "You don't know, do you?"

"Know what?" he asked.

"I'm the Commonwealth's Attorney," she said.

"I'm guessing you didn't remember to vote last November," Evangeline said in a scolding tone.

"I thought I did," he said. "I think I would have remembered your name on the ballot."

"Well I ran under Evangeline Bennett," she said tilting her head to the side, "apparently hyphens don't poll well."

"They poll on stuff like that?" he asked.

"They poll on everything," she groaned as she looked at her watch, "I really have to go, but it was good to see you."

"Yeah," he said.

"Stay in touch!" she called as she walked swiftly towards a waiting car. It occurred to him that they hadn't been in touch in years, but she probably hadn't meant for him to take the statement seriously. A career in politics had probably conditioned her to close every conversation like that.

Her portrait was the first thing he noticed when he walked in; he wasn't sure, but he suspected Cristian had painted it. She looked beautiful, if a bit stuffy wearing a suit with her hair pulled up. It might not have quite been the Natalie he fell in love with, but it was the Natalie who had run this place as long as she physically could.

_The clerk at the front desk had told him she was in the bar. When he walked in he saw her and Michael holding hands across the bar, deep in conversation. They were speaking softly, it was impossible to hear what they were saying, but Natalie was biting her lip as though she were upset. 'It's none of your business,' he reminded himself, 'you don't get to be the one to comfort her anymore.' _

"_They sent me in here," he said announcing his presence._

_Natalie looked up in surprise and quickly wiped her eyes. "John," she said forcing a smile, "Have a seat. Kayla's in my office; I'll go get her."_

"_Why do I feel like I'm interrupting something?" John asked his brother when she'd disappeared. _

"_Relax, John, it's just medical stuff._

"_Is that what the kids are calling it these days?" _

_Michael rolled his eyes. "Actually, I wanted to talk to you about it anyway. Natalie told me that you're keeping Kayla when she has the surgery. I understand her not wanting to tell her until we know more but-"_

"_What?" John asked, suddenly catching what Michael had said._

"_She's gonna find out, John, she's a smart kid."_

"_Natalie told me she was going out of town for a week. What's she having surgery for?"_

_Michael looked uneasy. "You should ask her." Natalie reemerged from the back with Kayla. _

"_Daddy!" the five-year-old Kayla exclaimed, running up to him throwing her arms around his legs. _

_John greeted his daughter with a pat on the back before turning to her mother. "Natalie," he said, "What do you need surgery for?"_

_Natalie glanced at Michael then back to him. "Michael, can you help Kayla carry her bag out to the car? We'll catch up with you in a second." _

"_Sure," he said taking Kayla's bag._

"_What's going on?" John asked when they were out of earshot, "You said you were going out of town."_

"_I haven't told anyone," she said, "not yet. Michael and Rex are the only ones who know. Well, and the doctor and her staff."_

"_Know what?"_

"_It's not as bad as it sounds," she said._

"_Natalie," he said using the well practiced tone for when he knew she was lying or avoiding the truth._

_She squeezed her eyes shut. "It's a lumpectomy," she said. _

"_What?" That couldn't be what he thought it was. He wasn't good with medical terminology, he was just confused. Please, God, let him be wrong._

"_I have breast cancer, John."_

He walked into the dining room and scanned it quickly; Kayla and Rex weren't there, but he saw Matthew Buchanan circulating among the guests. Matthew caught his eye and approached him with a smile. "Hey John! Dad said you were in town."

"Yeah," John said, "I'm supposed to be meeting Kayla and Rex here. You haven't seen them have you?"

Matthew shook his head. "Not yet. You want to have a seat while you wait?"

He nodded as Matthew led him towards an open table. "The place looks good, by the way," he said, "Natalie would be proud."

"You think so?" Matthew asked his smile broadening into a grin. "I mean BE owns it, I just manage it."

"Well it looks like you're doing a great job," he said as he sat down.

After Matthew left he realized it was only 9:45—he was early again and he'd be lucky if Kayla and Rex even made it on time. Suddenly craving fresh air he stood and walked out to the terrace, leaving his coat on the chair to mark the table. The terrace was empty and it occurred to him for one of the first times in his life that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be alone. And that's when he realized that he wasn't.

"You look scared," she said walking close to him.

"Nervous," he corrected.

"She's a fifteen-year-old girl," she said, "you've stared down serial killers."

"I know how to handle serial killers," he sighed looking around.

She stood beside him silently for a moment following his gaze. "This is why you left, isn't it? Because there were to many memories of us in this town."

"I thought it would make it easier," he said, "to get past it all. If I didn't have to see it all the time."

"Strange," she said, "because back then, you were more willing to let me go than let go of what happened. And now you won't let me go."

He felt a lump forming in his throat. "I wasn't ready to lose you. I guess I'm still not."

"I know," she said, "but I need to leave now John."

He looked up at her. "No-" he started to say.

"Shh," she said coming closer, "I won't be far. You or Kayla or anyone needs me. But believe it or not, I think you can take it from here." She leaned forward as he closed his eyes. There was a feather light sensation on his lips, almost like a kiss. And then she was gone.

* * *

"Are you waiting for Kayla?" a female voice asked a few minutes after he'd sat back down at the table. He looked up into the face of Adriana Cramer. Funny, he'd seen her a few years ago, but his mental image of her was still the young girl from so many years ago. Seeing this worldly looking middle-aged woman before him surprised him again, as it did every time. 

"Yeah," he said.

"Do you mind if I wait with you?" she asked shyly.

He motioned for her to sit. "You're waiting for Rex?" he asked.

She smiled weakly, "If he's ready to talk to me."

"_I didn't know she was back in town," John remarked as Adriana led Kayla out of the kitchen. It was Kayla's eighth birthday party and everyone remotely connected with her family seemed to have descended on Llanfair, along with about a dozen other eight-year-olds. Natalie was in the kitchen trying to supervise the food she'd had catered from The Palace. She'd been in remission for over a year and it seemed like everything might just be okay. _

"_She's not really," Natalie said giving Rex a significant look that indicated she was unhappy about something regarding this situation. _

_Rex glared back at his sister while he answered John, "She's living in New York now and she's here to visit."_

"_That's one word for it," Natalie mumbled under her breath._

"_I'm missing something," John said._

"_My dear sister is mad at me because I won't let her run my love life," Rex explained._

"_I'm just saying she left you once-" Natalie began._

"_She didn't leave me, she left the country," Rex protested._

"_And while she was gone did she call? Did she ask you to visit? Did she so much as send you an email? No."_

"_What's your point?" he asked._

"_My point is that if somebody's stomped all over your heart once, you're an idiot to give them a chance to do it again."_

"_Well then I'm not the only idiot in the family," he said raising his eyebrows at his sister._

_Her eyes widened and a panicked expression came over her face as she gave him a look which clearly indicated he wasn't supposed to have said that. _

_John studied her for a moment—he should have noticed it before. Her hair and make-up were arranged with a little more care than usual and she was wearing one of those slinky black tops he used to flatter himself that she wore just for him. He knew what Natalie looked like when she was trying to attract a man's attention. He scolded himself for the wave of jealousy that washed over him—it was none of his business, she hadn't been his for a very long time. _

He resisted the urge to smile. If there was any couple he'd ever met that could have come near him and Natalie for complication it was Rex and Adriana. "So are you two…?"

"I have no idea," she sighed. "He's still mad at me."

"I thought the last time you two split up it was because of him?" he asked.

"Oh the thing with the stewardess?" she said sounding more casual than most would have on such a subject. "It was retaliation really. Long story." She stared at her water goblet for a moment before she sighed and said, "Maybe I'm just beating a dead horse. I don't know why I keep trying."

"You still love him?" John asked.

She looked up at him surprised by his directness. "Yeah," she said softly.

"Then keep trying," he said, "'cause take it from someone who knows. If you stop, just give up, you'll regret it."

She smiled and dabbed a tear from the corner of her eye with a perfectly manicured fingertip. "Thanks," she said, "so what's going on with Kayla?"

"Not sure exactly," he admitted, "but whatever it is it's my fault."

"Did she tell you that?"

"Her, Rex…" he didn't add that Natalie had confirmed this, "look on the bright side, if Rex is mad enough at me he might forget he's mad at you."

"Rex is pretty good at holding grudges," she said.

"I've given him plenty of cause to hold them," he admitted. "I hurt his sister. More times than I can count."

"You also made her very happy," Adriana pointed out.

"I don't think he remembers that part," he said glancing towards the door to see if they had arrived. "I think sometimes he blames me for…"

"Natalie's death?" Adriana supplied. "We've talked about it. You're right, there's part of him that thinks maybe if you two were still together somehow she would have been strong enough…"

_The doorbell rang right as they were sitting down to dinner. With a groan John got up to answer it, expecting to find the UPS man or some neighborhood kid fundraising. He _did not_ expect to see Natalie and Rex. He hardly recognized her when he saw her these days, her face was swollen from the drugs and she had a scarf tied around her head where her hair hadn't quite grown back after the last round of chemo. But her eyes were still the same. As if Natalie was peering out from a stranger's body. _

_Before he could react to their presence Kayla came out of the kitchen and screamed, "Mom!" as she ran to hug her mother._

"_Hey sweetie!" Natalie said sounding cheerful but drained. _

"_What are you doing here?" Kayla asked._

"_I got sprung!" she said, "They let me out of the hospital for a little bit and I'm on my way to stay with Grandma Buchanan but I asked Uncle Rex if he would take me by here on our way so I could see you."_

_John caught a look in Rex's eye which told him Natalie wasn't telling the whole truth. _

"_Does this mean you're better?" Kayla asked._

"_No baby," Natalie said sadly, "it just means I get to see you without all the machines for a while."_

"_Can you stay for dinner?" she asked excitedly, "we're having pizza!"_

_Natalie raised an eyebrow at John. "Nutritious home cooked meal?"_

_He shrugged. "You caught me on a bad night, I swear. But there's enough, if you can stay."_

"_Actually," she said with a smile, "anything unhealthy sounds wonderful."_

"_Come on!" Kayla said taking her by the hand and leading her out of the room._

"_What's going on Rex?" he asked as soon as Natalie and Kayla were out of earshot._

"_You heard her," Rex said shifting uncomfortably._

"_I did," he agreed, "and I know her well enough to know when she's hiding something. Why did she leave the hospital?"_

"_She's stopped the treatments," Rex said, "She says she's done with them. She wants to go home. I couldn't tell her 'no'."_

_John looked down having no idea what to say and certain if he tried to say something his voice would crack anyway. _

"_Talk to her," Rex pleaded, "Don't let her give up."_

"_If she's decided-" he began._

"_McBain if there's anyone who can get through to her it's you," Rex insisted._

"_I used to be," he said shaking his head, "but that was a long time ago."_

"_Oh so you're gonna do your usual thing and just sit back and let this happen while you brood in a corner," Rex shot at him angrily._

"_Balsom-" he tried to interject._

"_She still cares about you. She still listens to you when she won't listen to anybody else. Please!"_

"_I'll talk to her," he finally agreed. "But I don't know if I can change her mind."_

"But you know," Adriana said slowly, "you're not the one he's really mad at."

"No?"

"He's mad at her," she said. "I mean he can't quite admit it, but it's true." He looked down at the table. How had he never realized it? All those years ago, he'd told Natalie it was okay to be mad at Cristian for dying. He knew that anger first hand, but it had never occurred to him that was what Rex was struggling with.

_It was after dinner before he got a chance to speak with her alone. She was still sitting at the table watching Rex and Kayla play computer games with a misty smile on her face. "Thanks for dinner," she said as he sad down beside her._

_He hesitated, unsure how to broach the subject. "Rex told me," he finally said in a low voice._

"_Little snitch," she grumbled._

"_Natalie-" She cut him off by raising her hand._

"_Not here," she said, motioning in Kayla's direction with her head, "let's take a walk." She rose and made her way to the door calling to the pair at the computer that they'd be right back. She didn't say anything for a moment as they made their way to the empty playground across the parking lot from his apartment._

"_Don't do this," he finally said as she eased herself down on a swing._

"_The decision's been made," she said numbly._

"_Change it," he pleaded._

"_No," she said starting to sway back and forth on the swing with her feet still dragging on the ground._

"_For once in your life, Natalie, think this through. Think about what you're doing-"_

"_You think I haven't?" she asked angrily. "You think I'm just making some crazy impulsive decision about whether I want to live or die."_

"_I don't know," he said, meeting her intensity, "maybe you can explain to me why you just decided to give up."_

"_I didn't just decide," she began, "I talked to my doctor. And then I talked to another doctor. And I asked them how long I'd have if I stopped the treatments now and they said a couple of months. So I asked how long I'd have with it and they said six to twelve."_

_He felt a nasty sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. Maybe he'd known for a while, but somehow it was so much worse hearing a doctor had confirmed it. The cancer was terminal this time. "But it would buy you time…" he stammered helplessly._

"_For what?" she asked, her anger not waning at all, "A cure that doesn't exist?"_

_He closed his eyes. He could hear her. Somewhere in that stranger in front of him was his old Natalie and he wasn't anywhere near ready to accept that he wouldn't ever see her again. "There's still hope," he said. _

"_Look at me John," she demanded and he obediently opened her eyes, "I don't even recognize myself in the mirror and as bad as I look I feel worse. I can't do anything, I can't even think about anything other than how nauseous I feel. And I'm going through it for what? A couple of months?"_

"_I just don't understand why you would give up any time you might have-"_

"_Because I don't want to die in a hospital," she said, "I don't want to leave behind a bald and bloated corpse. That's not how I want to spend my last months and it's not how I want people to remember me."_

"_Think of Kayla," he pleaded, playing the last card he had._

"_That's your job now," she said softly, "I'm dying, John. You have to face that because I have. I'm not saying I'm giving up, but I have to face reality. I'm going to stick around as long as I can, but the fact is it's not going to be that long. This is it; there aren't going to be any miracle cures or last minute saves. So before I go I need to make sure Kayla's going to be okay."_

_He knelt down in front of her, "I promise I will do everything for her that I can."_

"_I know you will," she nodded with a smile._

_He took a deep breath, he could hear his own breath wavering. Gently, he placed his hands on her knees. "I'm not ready to lose you."_

"_Well it's not gonna be tomorrow," she said running a hand over his hair, "so you have some time to get used to it. Just please don't be mad at me for this…"_

"As for Kayla," Adriana added, "speaking from personal experience, the nice thing about teenage girls is that we don't stay teenagers forever. And be patient with her. Losing your mother is hard on a girl. It knocked me on the floor and I was a lot older than she was."

"Thanks," he said motioning with his head towards the door to let her know Rex and Kayla had arrived, "that helps."

To be continued.


	6. Chapter 6

"Hey," Rex said mostly to Adriana as they approached the table.

"Hey," she replied fingering her hair nervously.

Rex turned to John, "We're gonna be in the bar." Looking at Kayla he asked, "You gonna be okay?"

She nodded mutely. She fixed her eyes on her napkin though and kept staring at it while Rex and Adriana left.

"So…" John said, "you want to talk?" Kayla didn't respond so he continued. "I'm glad. I've been thinking and there are some things… things we probably should have talked about years ago. About your mom and me and… I just want you to know that we can talk about that or anything else…"

"Really?" she asked looking up at him for the first time and not sounding convinced.

"Really," he said, "Ask me anything."

She studied him carefully, "Anything?"

"Anything," he assured her.

She thought for a moment then said with a defiant smile, "Okay, was I premature or was I the reason you two got married in the first place?"

"What?" he asked.

"You got married in March, I was born in September," she said, "I can count to nine."

He looked at the table for a moment; Natalie had said back then that they'd eventually have to answer this question. It had never even occurred to him that she wouldn't be there to answer it with him.

He shook his head as he thought back. "I'd had that ring in my drawer for months. I just kept putting it off—I wanted things to be perfect. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with your mother. I knew that much. I just didn't know how to tell her. And then she beat me to it and she told me that you were on your way."

"So that's when you asked her to marry you?"

"That's when she asked me to marry her."

_He could tell she was antsy about something that night, but she didn't seem to want to talk about it and he knew better than to push. Finally, after staring off into space for the better part of an hour she turned to him and said, "Can I ask you something?"_

"_Sure," he said, hoping whatever her question was it would give him some insight into whatever was bothering her._

_She looked intently into his eyes and asked, "Where do you see yourself in ten years?"_

_He thought for a minute. "I don't know. With you. In a house though. One with a yard for the kids to play in."_

"_Kids?" she asked softly._

"_Well yeah," he stammered wondering if he'd said something wrong, "I mean I always assumed-"_

"_You still see yourself with me in ten years?" she asked biting her lips._

"_Yeah," he said, "don't you?"_

_She smiled, stood up and walked closer to him. "Yeah," she said, "I just have one more question."_

"_What's that?"_

_She dropped to her knees at his feet. "Marry me."_

_He stared at her in shock for so long that she must have thought he was looking for a way to let her down easy. She sat back on her heels and stammered, "Wow! I totally jumped the gun on that one. I'm sorry I-"_

"_Natalie-" he tried to say, but she cut him off._

"_No, you don't have to-"_

"_Natalie!" he said a little more forcefully. She stopped talking and looked at him warily. Feeling as though he was probably shaking, he rose and made his way around her to the dresser. _

"_John," she said to his back, "I'm sorry I-"_

"_Don't apologize," he said as he opened the top drawer and removed the little velvet box, making his way back to her, "I'm just… I'm just a little ashamed you beat me to this." He pried open the box and showed her the ring he'd picked out months ago as she covered her mouth with her hand. _

"_At least this takes some of the pressure off," he said with a smile, "I mean I guess I can be pretty sure of the answer."_

"_So you're answer's yes?" she asked. _

"_Yeah," he said kneeling beside her and slipping the ring onto her finger, "my answer's yes."_

_She took a deep breath and wiped a tear from her eye. "Then I have to tell you something. Those kids you were seeing… ten years from now, one of them's going to be nine."_

_He stared at her in shock, "You mean?"_

_She nodded. "Nine and a half almost. Are you okay with that?"_

"_Are you kidding?" he asked, wrapping his arms around her, "okay? That's so much more than okay that's… well that's perfect, actually."_

"Perfect?" Kayla snorted, "bet you wish you could take that back."

He shook his head. "Not at all. The day I married your mother was the second happiest day of my life. The happiest was the moment they put you in my arms."

She flushed. "So you and Mom eloped, right?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "We were gonna do the whole church wedding thing, but… wasn't really us, you know?"

"I can see that," she nodded.

"So one night your mom comes in and just declares we're going to AC. I was worried she might wind up regretting it, you know not having the dress and the reception and her family there. But she said all she cared about was me and you and us all being a family."

"And you were okay with it?"

He smiled. "I think I was relieved. Your grandmother Buchanan, on the other hand, was not happy at all. But yeah…" He paused and waited till he had eye contact before saying, "Kayla, I loved your mother more than I even thought possible. So much I couldn't breathe sometimes. So much that it scared me to death."

"So what happened?" she asked, "Why did you and Mom split up?"

"How much do you remember?"

"I remember yelling. A lot of yelling for a long time. And Mom crying. And I remember you leaving one night and not coming back. And Mom told me the next day that you weren't coming back, but I didn't believe her. And I kept waiting, but you didn't come. She was right. And then they sent me to stay with Aunt Jessica and by the time I got back all your stuff was gone."

"That's all you know?"

"Uncle Rex says it was all your fault. He has some interesting names for you."

"I can imagine," he smiled.

"Mom didn't think it was your fault," she said thoughtfully.

"What makes you say that?" he asked as though somehow through whatever Kayla told him Natalie's voice would appear and give him some sort of absolution.

"That man, Cristian Vega," she said, "I heard Mom talking to him one time. He said something about you and she got really mad. She told him it was all his fault you left."

John waited for that piece of information to process. Never in all the years that she'd been alive had he heard Natalie admit anything negative about Cristian. "You know that he and your mother were married."

Kayla nodded thoughtfully. "Yeah, but no one ever wanted to talk about it around me. I just knew that she was married to him. It was a long time ago though, right? Before she met you."

"Actually," he said, "she was married to him when I met her. Well they were engaged. They got married soon after."

Kayla looked surprised. "So Mom left Mr. Vega for you?"

He shook his head. "No. It's a long story." Kayla's look let him know he wasn't going to get away with that answer alone so he continued, "Cristian went to prison. He didn't expect to get out so he wanted her to move on with her life."

"And she moved on with you?"

"Eventually," he said.

"But how was he responsible for you two getting divorced?" she asked.

"Do you remember your baby brother?" he asked.

She thought for a moment. "I never really _had_ a baby brother, did I? I mean, I remember being told that I was going to get one and then being told I wasn't. And I've seen the tombstone near Mom's but… Mom had a miscarriage though, right."

He took a deep breath. "She was twenty-six weeks along. It was actually classified as a still birth."

_Rex saw him and stood up to meet him, his face was taut with worry._

"_Where is she?" John demanded. _

_Rex motioned to the door of a nearby room. "Your brother's in there now."_

"_What happened?" _

"_There was a fight. She got hit," Rex said. "But I think… I think she's going to be okay."_

"_What about the baby?" he asked a little more softly._

_And he knew from the expression on Rex's face that he didn't want an answer to that question. Rex shook his head. "I don't know. They won't tell me anything."_

_Michael emerged from the room at that moment and caught sight of John. Wordlessly, John handed Kayla's sleeping form over to Rex and walked to his brother._

"_Where have you been?" Michael asked in a voice just above a whisper._

"_I was doing surveillance, had my cell phone off," he said, "I didn't get the message till I got home."_

_Michael nodded, processing the information. "She's been asking for you. We just gave her something to help her sleep, but you can sit with her for a while." John started to the door but Michael stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. "You need to know what's going on."_

_John steeled himself for what he knew would be bad news._

"_Evidently she got knocked back against a wall and then fell to the ground. The impact caused her to rupture," Michael was trying hard to sound clinical, "By the time she got here the baby was in distress. We performed an emergency cesarean, but were never able to revive the baby." Michael paused, searching for something to say, " John, I'm so sorry."_

_He nodded. "But Natalie's going to be okay?"_

"_Physically," Michael said. "There was some blood loss, obviously, and she'll be down for a while because of the section, but…"_

"_But?" John asked anxiously looking at his brother._

"_Right now the physical isn't what I'm concerned about," Michael said, "I'm glad you're here for her now."_

_John nodded and took a deep breath as he pushed the door open. She was lying with her face to the wall but she turned to him when she heard the door. Her face was puffy from tears which had apparently been wiped away and he recognized the glazed look in her eyes as being induced by the sedative. "John?" she whispered as he rushed to her side._

"_I'm so sorry," he said taking her hand in both of his, "I'm sorry I didn't get here sooner."_

"_John, our baby…" she croaked._

"_I know," he said kissing her hand then using one of his to brush the hair back from her forehead, "shhh…"_

"_I'm sorry," she said as tears began to pour from her eyes again._

"_No," he said trying to reassure her, "you don't have anything to be sorry for. Shhh. It's okay."_

"_No it's not!" she said a little louder squeezing her eyes shut._

"_I know, you're right," he told her, "but we're gonna get through this, okay? I'm here now, you're gonna get through this. I love you."_

_She let out one more sob followed by several ragged breaths while tears continued to flow onto the white pillowcase. He remembered noticing that the bits of make up carried by the tears were staining it and absurdly thought for a moment that it mattered. Speaking to her in soft tones, caressing her, and grasping her hand he sat with her until the sedative carried her off to sleep. _

_He sat there a moment longer, watching her sleep, wishing there was some way to fix things, to really comfort her and hating himself for not being there sooner. And it was as he sat there looking at her swollen, twisted face that the thought gradually dawned on him that someone had done this to her. This was not just an accident of fate._

_When he was certain she was soundly asleep he rose and walked back to the waiting room where Rex was sitting, Kayla still sleeping with her head on his lap. _

"_How is she?" Rex asked anxiously._

"_She's asleep," he said, "the baby was stillborn."_

"_God," Rex whispered softly closing his eyes._

"_What happened?" he asked, fuming but careful to keep his voice low enough not to disturb Kayla._

"_I told you-" Rex started but John cut him off._

"_You only told me half of it," he said, "You told me there was a fight but you didn't tell me who. Who did this to her?"_

_Rex looked at him and hesitated. They both really knew the answer without being told, but he wanted to hear him say it. Rex only halfway cooperated, "Do you really have to ask?"_

"So it _was_ Mr. Vega's fault," Kayla said, sounding stunned.

"No," he said shaking his head, "it was mine. Losing your baby brother—that might have been his fault. But what happened after… your mom needed to talk about it and I couldn't and… things went downhill from there."

"I miss her," Kayla said biting her lip.

"Me too."

"You keep a lock of her hair in your dresser," she said suddenly.

_She was reclining on the couch in the library when he walked in; her eyes squeezed shut and her lips pursed as though she were fighting back pain but whatever it was she covered it with a smile when she saw him. "Hey!" she said._

"_Hey," he said back walking towards her._

_She fumbled to push herself up to sitting, "They said they called you. Kayla's not here—she's staying with Rex 'cause she has the flu and I'm not supposed to be around-"_

"_I know," he said._

"_Then why are you here?" she asked confused._

"_I came to see you," he said sitting across from her._

"_Oh," she said blushing._

"_How are you feeling?" he asked._

"_Um… like I have radioactive poison pumping through my body," she said. He looked at the floor unsure how to respond. "Sorry," she said, "Not really the time for sarcasm."_

"_I wouldn't expect anything else out of you," he said with a smile._

"_Thank you for coming," she said. "You didn't have to."_

"_I said I'd be here, didn't I?" He reached foreword to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear, but as he pulled his hand back the hair came away in his fingers. Natalie looked down at it and inhaled sharply as he stared at it in horror. "Natalie, I-"_

"_It's okay John," she said though he could see tears forming in her eyes, "it happens." She reached her hand out and gently around the lock of hair. "I just as soon it be in your hands as in my bathroom sink."_

_He brought her hand to his lips and murmured against it, "It'll grow back. When you're better."_

_She smiled at him weakly and it was only later that he fully realized she hadn't echoed his assurances. _

He looked at her in surprise. "How did you know…?"

She looked down guiltily. "It's in the same drawer with your spare cash."

"Ah," he said, "I'm guessing I don't want to count that cash anytime soon."

"I'll put it back," she promised.

He laughed softly.

"What?" she asked defensively.

"It's just… taking the money from my drawer—that's actually something your mother would have done."

"Really?" she asked then added wistfully, "at least you got to know her. I mean I know I had eleven years with her, but I feel like… like I never really got to know her, because I was just a kid."

He resisted the urge to tell her she was still a kid, knowing that she wouldn't see it that way.

"And everyone around me has all these issues and it all goes back to her," she continued, "the Buchanans have this fixation with wanting me to have everything she missed out on by not growing up here. Uncle Rex… sometimes I think that he wants me to _be _her. And you… it's just…"

The look in her eyes grew more distant, "You know I never used to say good-bye to her. After she got sick, especially after I went to live with you, I'd always say, 'See you tomorrow' or 'see you soon.' I never wanted to say 'good-bye' because it sounded too much like… it was too final. Somehow if I said I'd see her again, I would. But that last day as we were leaving she kissed me and said good-bye and I said it back without thinking. I didn't realize it till I was in the car and I almost asked you to stop so I could go back in but I knew it would sound crazy…"

"I've replayed that day a thousand times myself," he said as she trailed off, "I think she knew. And there was nothing any of us could have done to stop it."

"But I-" she trailed off again blinking furiously to hold back tears.

He reached out across the table and took her hand. "It's okay to cry," he said softly, "you're mother taught me that."

"But you don't," she said, "you don't cry."

"I do," he corrected her, "sometimes. Not enough probably. You know… I was about the same age as you were when my father died."

"Yeah, Uncle Michael told me," she said.

"Well he probably told you this too," he said self consciously, "but after your grandfather died I kind of… well I guess part of me shut down for a while."

"Until you met Mom," she finished, "that's what he said."

"What do you know?" he said trying to smile, "for once he was right about something. Your mother… she managed to get through all those walls I had up. To make me feel things I didn't think I could anymore. And if she were here, she'd be telling you it's okay to be hurt and it's okay to be angry. Just don't try to be like your old man and bury it. You'll only wind up burying yourself."

A couple of tears slipped from Kayla's eyes and she rummaged in her purse for a tissue. "You know," she said sniffling a little, "Every Christmas, every birthday I get these letters from her. And at first, when I read them I used to hear her reading them to me. But I can't remember what she sounded like. And now it kinda feels like they're from a stranger and I hate that."

"Do you mind my asking what they're about?"

She looked surprised. "You don't know? You're the one who gives them to me."

"Your mother made it very clear they were for your eyes only," he said.

"Oh," she said, "well they're… girl stuff mostly. Especially the last couple years. Boys and clothes and… stuff dad's don't like to talk about. Sometimes she writes about other people. Like how Uncle Kevin gives really good presents but always forgets birthdays so you have to find a way to subtly remind him. Uncle Michael likes bad 80's music. How to calm you down when you're really mad…"

"How's that?" he asked, unaware that such a secret existed.

"That would be telling," she said.

He smiled back at her. "So you want to know about your mom?" She nodded. "Your mother was… she was an angel," he began only to be cut off my Kayla's irritated sigh. "What?" he asked.

"I know that Dad," she said, "I know Mom was an angel. Even if everyone didn't feel the need to tell me constantly, that's how I remember her. I mean literally she _is_ an angel. I don't need you to tell me that. That's not what I want to know. I want to know that she was a woman, you know, a real person. Someone you could touch. Someone who made mistakes."

He thought about what she said and in spite of himself smiled. "She was a lot like you actually," he said.

"Really?" she asked skeptically.

He nodded. "She was smart and funny and stubborn as hell."

She smiled slightly as he continued. "It was really important to her that people respect her. That she prove how capable she was. Never afraid to go after what she wanted. And she did some pretty stupid things to get that done."

"See," Kayla said, "that's what no one ever talks about."

He ran his hand through his hair as he thought for a moment. There were things he'd always thought it better not to talk about, but maybe he'd been wrong. "I ever tell you about the time I arrested her for murder?"

Kayla's taught mouth instantly broadened into a grin, that grin that was so much like her mother's. "No," she said eagerly.

"What about the time she tried to use herself as bait for a serial killer?" They were stories he never would have guessed he could laugh at, but he couldn't help smiling back at Kayla. He sobered for a moment, "I'll tell you all about it on the way. There's actually someplace I need to go and I was hoping you could come with me."

"Where?" she asked.

"I haven't been to your brother's grave since we buried him," he said, "and I think maybe we need to include him in this discussion."

* * *

John looked down at his son's grave for the first time in twelve years. Like Natalie's someone had made sure this grave was well maintained—probably the service Jessica had hired. There were no flowers except the ones Kayla had just placed there and he suspected there hadn't been flowers there in a very long time. Maybe when Natalie was alive… 

He wondered if she ever came out here. Probably. That was something she would have done, but they never talked about it. They never spoke of him after the divorce and not very much before. He knelt down and traced the words carved in the stone as he had so many times on her grave.

At first the marker was supposed to read simply "Infant Son of John and Natalie McBain" but after the order had been placed Natalie had insisted that they needed to name him. She said he deserved that much. John hadn't been able to bring himself to help her brainstorm names no matter how much she insisted it would help him grieve, but in the end she had decided on Thomas Benjamin. It seemed appropriate enough—naming their dead child after two dead men.

Behind him Kayla gasped suddenly and he looked up to see her staring at a willow tree nearby. "You okay?" he asked following her gaze and seeing nothing.

"Yeah," she said sounding a little shaky, "It's just… for a minute, out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw someone standing by that tree. I didn't really get a good look. Probably just my imagination, it's just… For a second I could have sworn it was a woman with long red hair."

John stood and put his arm around her, pulling her close. Inhaling deeply he could detect Natalie's perfume on the breeze. She was right—she would never be far.

Fin.


End file.
